Not that I over-think these things

Since I lost Pikaia, 15 months ago, I’ve had only five ovulatory cycles. Of which only two seemed to have anything to do with Clomid, and one of those was definitely more of an ‘I’m not budging until this damned chemical shit is totally out of my system’ point-proving exercise than a drug-induced ovulation.

I have two strong and recurrent feelings about this, depending on whether you catch me having had, or not had, my mid-morning coffee-break:

  1. Well, you know, in a normal woman, who ovulates maybe twelve or thirteen times a year, no one would bat an eyelid if she still wasn’t up the duff after five cycles. Not one single eyelid. It’s within statistical ordinariness. It’s not something anyone would panic about. Keep trying. It’s fine. Deep breaths now. Remember, you shouldn’t expect yourself to be pregnant already, you’ve only had five goes since you were last pregnant. Now breathe, finish your coffee, and stop staring at the carrot-cake, you can’t have any.
  2. Or,

  3. In fifteen months, fifteen, I only get five cycles? Is this fair? Is this cricket? How the hell am I supposed to get pregnant if I only get a go once every three fecking months? Huh? On average? Huh? Do you have any idea how crushing it is to get a period when you get so very few chances and you haven’t a fecking clue when or if you’ll get another chance? Crushing, I tell you! This is me, being crushed! Also, you’re between me and the coffee stand and I am taking no prisoners. Mmmm. Cake.

It’s exhausting. (Also, what’s with all the pre-coffee fecking? My inner Irish half (yes, both grandmothers were Irish) seems to suppressed by caffeine. How odd).

So, what exactly, do you suppose, are the chances of Satsuma stepping up to the crease a third time in a row? (Americans’d say ‘plate’. But we play cricket here in Blighty, so we step up to the crease, and anyway we’re just won the Ashes, so crease! Crease! Crease!). She definitely seems to be hinting that she’s over the Clomid and on with her life, doesn’t she? Do we trust Madame Satsuma The Lying Ovary of Lies’ hints? Do we look stupid?

However, H is optimistic. After all, I ovulated on day 20 last time, flying solo – I hadn’t even been acupunctuated yet. H cannot shake off his hippy conditioning, and has rather more faith in the Snazzy Clinic than I do, and is assuming they’ll make things even better. Me, I am cynical and now possibly even sneery. It’s a consequence of being punctured in special lady-organs improvement points for improving the condition of the uterus, and then going on to have a period the sheer suckitude of which actually sent me off to snivel in the GP’s waiting-room, surrounded by Things in Pushchairs Pushed by Great Big Bellies (my God, it was like farrowing season in there. All of you who know farms, know what I mean).

My next visit to the Snazzy Clinic is Wednesday. Words will be said. Pray God I say them in a calm and reasonable voice and don’t drag in Ben Goldacre, Richard Dawkins, or anything sweary.

Anyway, in any case, must crack on with the weight-loss thing, which has stalled again, and I am thanking my lucky stars it didn’t go backwards, considering my appalling laziness recently. And I ate an extraordinarily large portion of extraordinarily good lasagne tonight, which I doubt helped. In fact, I know it didn’t help. I made it. I saw exactly how much butter and olive-oil and cheese went into it. I’d be a nine-stone twiglet if only I was a shit cook.


9 responses to “Not that I over-think these things

  • QoB

    “Farrowing season” … brilliant. Will be stealing that.

    Maybe it might help think of the feckin acupuncture like any other treatment you might try. If it were a drug, you might not necessarily expect it to improve all of the symptoms in the space of a few weeks.

    Although, you get bonus points if you swear at them Father Ted-stylee, the fupping grassholes.

  • MFA Mama

    1. Here in the US “crease” sounds like a euphemism for…something. Glad you pointed out that it’s the equivalent of “plate;” I love how you always educate even while ranty 🙂

    2. The Period From Hell/once-every-three-months-MAYBE thing just sucks a hairy one. I’m so sorry.

    3. Acupunctuated. My new favorite word. I love you for that one!

    4. Farrowing season HAHAHAHAHA! Huge James Herriot fan here so yes I DO know what you meant.

    5. Good luck with the continued weight loss (stalling is NOT failure and one hearty meal of lasagna probably won’t turn the tide) – I’ve found that lots of Omega-3 unsaturated fats is really helpful (lost some weight munching them without even half-trying) (okay that’s a partial lie I also exercised my arse off but continued to lose, albeit more slowly, after that went to hell in a handbasket and I kept eating them). Hopefully you like nuts, avocado, olives, etc. Good stuff. And hey, olive oil TOTALLY counts!

  • meganlisbeth

    must you really be so calm at the snazzy clinic? it’s not like your situation isn’t worthy of a good words-having session.

    i feel your cynicism and don’t blame you one bit for it. that said, i’m going to joing H in the optimism camp because it’s always good to have a cheering section, you know?

  • Ben Warsop

    The two views aren’t incompatible with each other of course. And at least you’ve given Clomid a run for its money – no “I wonder what would have happened if”s… on the subject.

  • twangy

    So, now would be a good time bashfully to come out of the semi-darkness, where I have been loitering these months, and say hello, wouldn’t it?
    And as as Irish person, I must say I feel at home when I see a feck or a shite uttered across the internet. Ah! I say, let me get comfortable here, for I am obviously in good company.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    My body wants to go on holiday to your house. My brain is protesting madly, knowing full-well that the tonnage gained by said body would potentially be immense, but my tummy likes the sound of your cooking Far Too Much.

    Righteous ire directed at own innards. Ahhh, yes! I get that one. Essentially distrustful of Snazzy Clinic with their karmic needles but prepared to give it a go nevertheless? Check. Optimistic husband? Ohhhhhhh, yes. Feeling all your pain.

    And… Madame Satsuma, The Lying Ovary of Lies? Genuine coffee sinus-snort, right here!

  • Womb For Improvement

    I’m with you on the occasional ovulatory activities and the whole once in a blue moon possibilities (actually blue moons happen on average once every 2.5 years so we are doing better than that!). Now I’m back in the game I don’t know when my next opportunity will be. Wait a mo, when did this comment get to be all about me?

    What I meant to say is best of luck for the continuing run of cycling.

  • betty m

    Bet the acupers try and claim the period from hell is a good cleansing energy giving thing. As you can see my Ben Goldacre Is a demi god side now wins over the it was a sensible expenditure of £100s side which was the clear winner at the time I gave in to the woo.
    Lasagne sounds lovely and olive oil is good for you.

  • Korechronicles

    No need at all to rub it in about the cricket. Much misery at Villa Kore regarding loss to the traditional foe. Talk of sacking captain. So, Crease, yes.

    And that Satsuma, feckin’ laugh a minute she is. Sending her virtual kick into gear vibes from the land of the white flannelled losers. Only sorry I can’t send chocolate.

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