I have spent the past 48 hours alternately a) lying a crumpled heap, weeping with pain and frustration, b) running frantically on the exercise machine in the hope that exercising will, as advertised by every interfering busy-body I ever did meet, help the cramps (results, mixed, inconclusive, especially at 2 am (seriously. Trundling away in the dark at 2 am. A real low-point, that)) c) not eating, because I am too nauseous and in too much pain to face anything requiring more digesting than herbal tea and painkillers d) pressing a viciously hot hot-water-bottle to either lower abdomen or back and e) bleeding excessively. I haven’t slept either. Funny that.
The thing is, I don’t have any of the Big Bad Conditions that are supposed to cause the above. I don’t, for example, have endometriosis. When I had a laparoscopy two years ago, endo was one of the things they were looking for. My insides were, indeed stuck together with great bands of scar tissue from the surgery I had had at eighteen, but that’s a different issue, and anyway, most of them were then removed. I don’t have a fibroid, or adenomyosis either, though I was nearly diagnosed with both, because my uterine cavity looks wonky. Well, it would. I have an arcuate uterus. That means the top of it bulges down rather than up, so it’s vaguely heart-shaped. It’s a relatively harmless congenital defect. I don’t think it’s supposed to make your periods hell on earth. I don’t have polyps anymore, though I did once (removed during above-mentioned lap). There is, basically, nothing in, on, or around the uterus that should cause it to cramp up into a screaming ball of agony and then soak through super plus extra tampons in less than two hours, with bonus thumb-sized clots just in case life wasn’t truly disgusting enough already.
Also, this cycle? Cute Ute and the Ovary and Sidekick of Fruit Madness laugh in the face of feminax ultra. Oh look, a pill. Shall we ignore it? Why yes, bwahahaha. We won’t even tell May we saw it. This has seriously upset me.
Basically, WTF is up with my uterus? What is going on in there?
This is Captain May of the Starship Craptastica, taking her crew of Mysterons back to bed for some more hot-water-bottling and hopefully some fucking sleep already. May the NSAIDs be with you.