And apparently, there’s nothing wrong with me

I have spent the past 48 hours alternately a) lying a crumpled heap, weeping with pain and frustration, b) running frantically on the exercise machine in the hope that exercising will, as advertised by every interfering busy-body I ever did meet, help the cramps (results, mixed, inconclusive, especially at 2 am (seriously. Trundling away in the dark at 2 am. A real low-point, that)) c) not eating, because I am too nauseous and in too much pain to face anything requiring more digesting than herbal tea and painkillers d) pressing a viciously hot hot-water-bottle to either lower abdomen or back and e) bleeding excessively. I haven’t slept either. Funny that.

The thing is, I don’t have any of the Big Bad Conditions that are supposed to cause the above. I don’t, for example, have endometriosis. When I had a laparoscopy two years ago, endo was one of the things they were looking for. My insides were, indeed stuck together with great bands of scar tissue from the surgery I had had at eighteen, but that’s a different issue, and anyway, most of them were then removed. I don’t have a fibroid, or adenomyosis either, though I was nearly diagnosed with both, because my uterine cavity looks wonky. Well, it would. I have an arcuate uterus. That means the top of it bulges down rather than up, so it’s vaguely heart-shaped. It’s a relatively harmless congenital defect. I don’t think it’s supposed to make your periods hell on earth. I don’t have polyps anymore, though I did once (removed during above-mentioned lap). There is, basically, nothing in, on, or around the uterus that should cause it to cramp up into a screaming ball of agony and then soak through super plus extra tampons in less than two hours, with bonus thumb-sized clots just in case life wasn’t truly disgusting enough already.

Also, this cycle? Cute Ute and the Ovary and Sidekick of Fruit Madness laugh in the face of feminax ultra. Oh look, a pill. Shall we ignore it? Why yes, bwahahaha. We won’t even tell May we saw it. This has seriously upset me.

Basically, WTF is up with my uterus? What is going on in there?

This is Captain May of the Starship Craptastica, taking her crew of Mysterons back to bed for some more hot-water-bottling and hopefully some fucking sleep already. May the NSAIDs be with you.


12 responses to “And apparently, there’s nothing wrong with me

  • QoB

    Sorry for the anecote – sadly no medical degree for me – but here goes: a friend of mine was investigated for extremely heavy bleeding & dreadful pain. She had an exploratory lap but nothing abnormal was found. The consultant told her she probably had uterine blood vessels that were very narrow and thus at every period her uterus was “having a mini heart attack”, and that it would probably get better after she had kids. which is useful… I wish I could remember the proper Latin term but google is not helping at the moment.
    she is now on an extrastrength Pill which mostly controls the symptoms, but obviously not an option for you. Another helpful thing she did was alternate types of painkillers e.g.: ibuprofen every eight hours and aspirin every eight hours starting four hours after.
    at least “my uterus is having a heart attack!!!” might be a good comeback line if you’re ever queried about the 2am exercise…

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    The VERY MOMENT I come across some helpful advice I will courier it across to you instanter: currently chewing on the same blend of pain and frustration up here in rainy Warwickshire.
    Endo between the uterus/bowel might have escaped notice, perhaps?

  • a

    I don’t know what I would do if the ibuprofen didn’t work. Rob a pharmacy for the good stuff, I guess…

    Much sympathy.

  • MsPrufrock

    I never had particularly painful periods until I started Citalopram in December. Since then, I have about two weeks of near-constant pain; before the period, during the period, and period recovery time. It’s a lot of fun for sure, and no doubt significantly less painful than yours. Poor dear.

  • QoB

    just wanted to add – sorry if the above came across as assvice. I just read through some of your archives, so I realise you probably know ALL about pain medication and how to take it.

    here’s hoping it fades, soon.

  • Korechronicles

    Although my uterine-hell-on-wheels is now but a distant memory, the symptoms you describe are as vividly gut churning as if they happened yesterday. I didn’t try the exercise option but I do remember Life Partner driving me through the streets at the same time in the morning to Emergency Department as I writhed and sobbed and swore loudly.

    I have very little to offer as I tried pretty much everything but I do remember someone with suitable qualifications telling me that it was not all in my head…high prostaglandin levels in the lead up to your period can cause the nausea, headaches, joint pain and dizziness, just to name a few of it’s bastard effects. It also forces the smooth muscle of the uterus into overdrive…that uterine heart attack is not far off the mark…as it over-compresses the blood vessels. And therefore, more pain. And my mother? Well, she thought I could overcome it if I just took a positive attitude and refused to give into it.

    The drug regimen was simply alternating aspirin and ibuprofen as already suggested. But it was like trying to stop a tank with a popgun. I confess to stockpiling serious pain meds from surgery and resorting to taking them when all else failed.

    Hoping the tide turns soonest. (Pun totally intended)

    And hugs from way over here.

  • Molly

    Ooouf. I’m sorry to hear about your pain! My cycles used to be fairly harsh but since the Provera, easier. Now I’m going off it, eep, and we shall see if I cycle at all! I remember a time when we were in Denver and my period arrived and I was in The Worst Pain Ever; my husband got up before the sun to get some Midol for me, which kind of worked. Here’s hoping for some sleep to you…

  • Demara

    LOL HEY!! guess what?!?!? I am sitting on the same boat as you RIGHT NOW~! weird.

    I finally gave in to the dreaded MIDOL to help me, after taking a HOT bath in a HOT house, sleeping, and rubbing my ovaries, trying to build up some hot friction. blah:P

    I had a lap last year. apparently there’s no endo. They said everythign looks PRESTINE! HA!


    I hear ya gf. Hope it goes away SOON!!

  • Jane G

    No advice to add as regards painkillers, but I hope you are feeling better soon. Sorry AF rode in in such a horrible fashion. Hugs xx

  • Betty M

    Only just catching up with the last three posts. Hopefully the pain is over now. Sounds beyond grim. There must be something stronger you can persuade the GP to give? This is the point when it would be better if more gynaes were women.

  • Jo

    Hello, I’ve been reading your blog for a while but never commented before. With regard to periods have you tried a mooncup? They are so much better than tampons, hold a lot more, and in my case, reduced cramps. Anything is worth a try. Hope the pain has passed, periods are a bugger!

  • Lorza

    I am hoping your pain gets better. There is nothing more frustrating than “we don’t know” Sucks big time.

    As a person that writes funny stuff on totally UNFUNNY things–I LOVE YOUR POST!!! Starship Craptastica. That is effin’ hilarious. You ROCK!

    Good luck with the 2am treadmill runs. blech. I have no assive for you, as it sounds like you have tried it all and are pretty knowledgeble.


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