Father’s Day

H has been in an odd mood lately. Distant, distracted, tending to sigh and wander off mid-conversation. Not nearly as affectionate as is his wont. Normally, when we get into bed, he puts an arm around me and kisses me before we both roll to our respective sides of the bed and bury our heads in the pillows, back to back. For the past week, he hasn’t, and as I am considerably less cuddly and considerably more prickly then him, I wasn’t going to if he wasn’t, harrumph.

And anyway, I was in rather a sulk myself.

But by yesterday it was definitely bugging me. So I tackled H. What was the matter? I asked politely. H shrugged, and looked, as he does, long-suffering. The little irritations in life, work, the broken oven, didn’t seem ‘enough’ to be in such a mood about. And the bigger things… he shrugged again. I said, ‘Is this all because it’s Father’s Day tomorrow?’ Poor H. ‘I hadn’t actually consciously thought of that,’ he replied, ‘And now thanks to you I am thinking of it.’

I decided to shut up about it for a while.

And that night in bed, again, no cuddle. I’m afraid I felt my temper fray. I tackled H. In fact more or less got him in a head-lock and applied Wifely Pressures, aka emotional blackmail, the gist of which ran something like: ‘Husband of my heart, WTF is with the not cuddling thing? Because I am beginning to take it real personal. It’s bad enough me thinking my body is a stubborn heap of shit without you joining in.’ H assured me that that wasn’t it at all, and while he was frustrated that the clomid didn’t work, he wasn’t frustrated with me at all, and certainly didn’t want me to feel that he was. While this was reassuring, it did not entirely satisfy, and I persisted (and, dear Internets, when I persist, I persist, and H knows this of old).

So H finally told me that when cuddling me, all his emotions rise to the surface. Something about holding and being held loosens the lid of the box he keeps them stuffed into. In the day, this is fine, because he can let go of me and Sort Laundry or Do Things On The Internet or Make Tea, and distract himself from said emotions before they actually, you know, get him. However, in bed at night, in the dark, there is nowhere to go and nothing to do but face them. So, you know, safer not to cuddle.

I stroked his hair, and asked, what emotions, sweetheart?

And my darling H said, ‘I’m sad that we might never have a child together.’

And then he wept in my arms, in bed, at night, in the dark.

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12 responses to “Father’s Day

  • Heather

    My heart aches.
    I’m so sorry.

  • Sol

    I’m weeping a bit for both of you too tonight. That is a thought to get you. *Hugs*

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Sigh. Poor H. Am very, extremely sad for his sadness.

    Yet…might H sharing his sadness with you make some issues a little easier to deal with, from your perspective? I know you’ve felt frustrated before now at H’s… well, his unreasonable insistence on coping with things just like a… man. Like, that thing that he… ummm… actually IS. I don’t intend even a smidge of criticism, I promise, but men do tend to interiorise like billy-o. The buggers. So it’s possibly been helpful in all sorts of ways for both of you.

    Also… sad. Hugs to both. I’m assuming ones from me aren’t evocative of much other than full stomachs and my inane chatter.

  • g

    Oh, May…….

    Sometimes there are no words.

    g

  • a

    Poor H – it’s so much easier to not face those feelings, but that only works for so long. Good thing he has a persistent wife to pull it out of him, so you can both deal with it. I’m sorry that those words had to be said, and sorry that there is even a possibility that they could be true.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    It’s next to impossible to say anything here that doesn’t make me want drown myself due to my own idiocy.

    I hope with all my might that you both get there.

  • Ben Warsop

    I’m crying here, reading this. It doesn’t help, of course.

  • Artblog

    HUGS sweetie, just hugs 😦

  • cowboyboot lady

    I am crying at work. I am so sorry. Is it easier now to talk about it after he’s told you how he’s feeling? Wishing you cuddles every night!

  • Betty M

    Oh H and May – I’m so sorry. Also having a man who doesn’t do much in the emotion showing dept (except crossness) when the tears come it is heartbreaking.

  • Korechronicles

    So sorry May and H. Hope things improve mightily for you both. Soonest. If not sooner.

    xx

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