The dreams

I am pregnant. I go for a scan, and the baby is gone. I am not pregnant. There never was a baby. The baby is in my hand, the size of a kitten, and clearly dead.

I am not pregnant. I am hunting for a doll in an entire city of discarded toys. It has a soul, and I have to find it before it turns back into a doll, or the emperor of the city of thrown-away, unloved toys will keep it forever. I am running down alleyways between twenty-storey towers of boxes.

I am giving birth. The baby is laid on my pillow. I turn to look at it, and accidentally knock it onto the floor. They take it away at once, and refuse to bring it back. I cry and cry.

H has gone away. I have a shoe-box. I am carrying it to the little cemetery near my childhood home. Why has H gone away? Why am I doing this alone? The shoe-box is very light. I am nearly at the cemetery gate. It is raining. I drop the shoe-box, and something tiny rolls out into the mud. I can’t see where it went.

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19 responses to “The dreams

  • deanna

    Oh, my goodness……
    Surely, you deserve some break from all this sadness and worry, at least at night.
    Sending you sweeter dreams.
    ***hugs***

  • a

    You make me glad I don’t remember my dreams.

    I hope the dreams become happier.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    *grimaces in sympathy*
    I’ve had these sort, and used to wake up beyond distraught.

    I am trying to think of some consolation for you, but can come up with nothing. When you have a baby – and I know that you will – they quickly get replaced by child-being-ripped-apart-and-eaten-by-wolves type dreams instead. They come from your absolute primeval core. Interestingly, men seem not to have this type of dream, in the same way they don’t agonise when they’re awake, either.

  • everydaystrange

    I call them Kafka dreams. They’re beyond nightmares they suck so much. Kafka dreams. I’m sorry you have them, babes. It’s not right that they’re visiting you.

  • Korechronicles

    Sorry that there is no peace for you, day or night. Wishing you lightness of spirit…soonest.

  • Aphra Behn

    That’s poetry of the saddest, bleakest sort. Shades of le Guin. Shades of shades.

    Poor May.

  • H

    Just to prove HFF wrong (sorry). My dream from last night:

    May managed to get pregnant but nobody would believe us. Friends and family thought we were just trying to get attention and the hospital staff thought we had a faulty batch of pee sticks and refused to do a scan saying “we did one a few months ago and it didn’t show up, so you can’t possible be”.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    I must disagree with HFF here too, men do. They just don’t always talk about it.

    Those dreams are dreadful. I’m sorry.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Ooooh, interesting! I am obviously statistically unlikely in being surrounded by menfolk – and it’s not just John – who either do not remember their dreams at all, or have utterly prosaic ones that barely count. Even my father, who is an arty soul and whose quirks I possess with bells on, does not remember a thing about his sleep. My mother and I swop notes on convoluted plots, surreal characters and dadaist decor on a weekly basis, though.

    Worrying about faulty pee-sticks is entirely worthy of day-time musings, let alone dreams.

  • Nina

    Oh, honey. Firstly, I wouldn’t eat carbs before bed anymore. Faulty pee-sticks are the bain of an infertile’s existence, and should all be burnt. I’m so sorry you’re having these nightmares. You don’t deserve it. *hugs, and hugs, and hugs*

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    What I’ve noticed (sorry may for the tangent) is I remember dreams when I wake up naturally, weekends or holidays. When the alarm wakes me, I haven’t gone through that dream phase yet.

    When I do, they are bizarre in the extreme. Last Wednesday I spent the entire day having flashbacks from the previous nights dreams, which I coun’t even properly remember.

  • Betty M

    I am so sorry about the dreams – at the least your mind should give you a break from stress at night.

  • Jane G

    I have those birth dreams every now and again. I usually have a normal baby in them though and then I am so peed off when I wake up and realise it was all a dream. Hope the nightmares go away xx

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Can anyone else bring some degree of conscious control into a bad dream? I had a couple of lovely-pregnant-happy-baby dreams whilst cycling, but my waking mind cut in half-way through, telling me that UH-UH! UNREALITY ALERT!
    I’ve also been able to cut into a couple of horrible dreams by coming to the conscious conclusion that knife-wielding chairs (or whatever) are actually ludicrous, and that I will wake up instead, thank you. And I have.

  • QoB

    my favourite pregnancy dream – not – is the one where i gave birth to a very small foetus, too small to survive, which my mother then put on the washing line: it froze overnight into a babyicebrick and i then tried to thaw it in the microwave.
    I’m not TTC or a mother, and it freaked me the hell out, so I can only imagine what you are going through. though dreams can be useful, sometimes; and HFF is right – you can learn to control them to a certain extent, I have found.
    best wishes for restful sleep.

  • piquantmolly

    So sad. 😦

    I’m sorry.

  • Solnushka

    As if RL weren’t enough. Hugs to you both.

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