You just keep me hanging on

Item: No, I have not ovulated yet. I told you ‘in the next 48 hours’ was optimistic. It once took a 19 mm follicle a further three days to pop. I ripen slowly, and this one was only 13 mm on Friday, so it could take, oh, I don’t know, a week?

Item: But H and I are at it like knives practically daily. Aren’t we good.

Item: We are making some progress on the counselling thing. We had a good session today, and felt all Achieve! Yes we can! And C got H to admit he was in denial, oh so very much so, Swimming With Crocodiles style, which I am sorry to say made me laugh and laugh (but quietly, to myself, heh heh heh, not BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!, because I was properly brought up). And we discussed just how nuts H’s side of the family is (very. Lots. Very very). It makes a nice change, not to be labelled the starkers bananas one in the relationship. It’s also good to understand H is a bit weird about his things what he is weird about because he and his family are starkers bananas, and not because H is on an I Shall Not Get It bender just to wind me up.

Item: Nevertheless, I am the Anxiety Queen at the moment. I am not sleeping. I am chewing my nails to the bleedening. I am screwing things up at work. Fun, huh? I was musing, today, for the prospect of seeing C makes me muse, on the anxiety thing, which has haunted me since I was a kid. It took me years and years to realise what I was feeling was, in fact, common or garden anxiety. When I feel it, it manifests itself as a kind of free-floating sense of shame and self-disgust, and it hunts about for something to attach itself to – ah yes! I buggered something up at work! Urgh. Shudder. The fact I spotted the embuggerment and gave up part of my lunch-hour to debugger it doesn’t get a foothold. It’s… wrong. I am wrong. I am wrongness personified. I spent from age about 8 to 28 feeling like this. Wrong. Sick. Bad. And do you know? It’s anxiety. It’s purely triggered by anxiety. I am not wrong, sick, bad. Not really. I’m actually quite cute. But as soon as something worries me, I assume the Mea Culpa Mantle with heart-breaking rapidity. Whyever the fuck do I do that? What the hell did my parents do to me? Why can’t I pinpoint it exactly?

Item: Anyway, this post has become very intense and gloomy all of a sudden. Shall we cheer the fuck up? Yes, let’s.

Item: Easter is to be spent in the bosom of the In-Laws. I’m not sure that is cheering me the fuck up. Four nights at the In-Laws, on the World’s Most Uncomfortable And Rickety Bed. Please God Satsuma will have popped by then. The idea of doing the Conception Shagathon on that bloody spare bed in the living-room with H’s parents right overhead is, oh well of course, making me anxious.

Item: Oh, yes, H said he could quite clearly see a definite surge in my anxiety levels just before ovulation. He thinks it’s hormonal, therefore. He has, however, carefully explained that that doesn’t mean the things I am anxious about don’t exist, or that my anxiety is somehow not valid. Just that the hormones aggravate it. I find this slightly embarrassing.

Item: I thought we’d agreed to cheer the fuck up?

Item: Cherry blossom. We shall think about cherry blossom. The trees in the local park are pink, and the one in the park near work is white. They are astonishingly lovely. There. That’s better.

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8 responses to “You just keep me hanging on

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    “At it like knives”

    that’s a good thing?

  • MFA Mama

    Oh, hormones…bleh. I am not trying to conceive but have been reminded of how blah-blah-blah your cycle influences everything by a recent issue with low blood sugar. The endocrinologist explained that the second two weeks of your cycle from ovulation to actually getting The Curse plays hell with your blood sugar (raises it in most people due to the progesterone but lowers it in me because I’m perverse to the very CORE like that) and I was like “huh. Is THAT why everything is so very dire and tragic in that second two weeks?” I have shared this information with The Man In My Life, who very calmly and kindly points out to me sometimes that I am Doing That Thing I Do and not that things aren’t horrid but DID I take my blood sugar and what was it? and I feel like a TOTAL LOSER every. single. time. So I feel your pain on the whole “gah, wtf, I am smarter than my hormones–no, wait, maybe not, HATE that…” thing. Here’s hoping Satsuma is preparing to crank out a winner.

    Love that line “let’s cheer the fuck up, shall we?”

  • g

    Satsuma, get with it. Release that bloody ovum already, please?

    G

  • deanna

    Satsuam, she’s just steeping slowly, right, and hopefully working on something that will be well worth the wait. =)

    FOUR NIGHTS with the in-laws??? Brave, brave girl….

  • a

    Isn’t it disturbing when people close to us can interpret our behavior better than we can? My husband does that – but he’s foolish enough to point out to me that I’m irrational and probably have PMS. At which point, nothing good happens. I’m sure he’s glad he points it out.

    I hope that the anxiety decreases, Satsuma acts before the weekend, and the 4 days pass very quickly.

  • womb for improvement

    Well at least the in-laws bedroom is above, not below where you are sleeping. Lets hope they don’t get up to anything themselves and put H off his stride. (Was that too disgusting a thought to contemplate? I specialise in them).

  • piquantmolly

    Randomly, there’s a Satsuma, Louisiana about a half an hour’s drive from me right now. In the least Japanese place in the entire world. I think of you when I see a sign.

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