You’re supposed to be dead

So. Scans. Yes. This morning I trimmed my undertrimmings and had a thorough shower and put on nice lady-like knickers (for why? I am behind a curtain when I take them off, and behind the curtain again when I put them back on. I could be wearing split-crotch rags with tea-stains on, and Nice Lady Wand-Monkey would never ever know), and hauled ass to The Hospital Out In The Country, so we could all have a good look at Satsuma.

Nice Lady Wand-Monkey remembered I had only one ovary. Isn’t she great? She asked which one it was before sending me off to take my lovely underwear off and tuck it discretely under my jeans. I was so pleased. And I settled down on the couch, and she came over and re-condomed the dildocam – oh, the amount of condoms we infertiles get through, heh heh – insert, and… pause.

Long pause. With the wand held perfectly still, which made a nice change from the truffle-hunting technique normally used, but was somewhat disconcerting considering.

‘Hmmm,’ said Nice Lady W-M. ‘What side did you say your ovary was?’

‘The right. My right, that is.’ *Twitch*.

Now she went for a good rootle, all over the left side. And said ‘hmmm’ again. And then turned her attention to the right and peered at Satsuma. Click click, measure measure. She withdrew the wand, and turned to me.

‘You still have some ovarian tissue on the left side,’ she said.

‘No I don’t,’ I exclaimed, somewhat gracelessly, but, you know, my insides, and I have spent half my life in the secure belief that I have one, (1), one ovary, and the other is in a pickle jar in a hospital in North London. Also, I have had eighty-bazillion scans and a lap since then, and no one mentioned any damn left ovary.

‘Yes,’ she said calmly. ‘You can see it now because it has a couple of follicles on it. It probably doesn’t produce follicles very often, and being small, wouldn’t normally show up.’

…., said I.

‘And your other ovary,’ (other! She said other!) ‘your other ovary has sixteen follicles. They’re all still very small. We can’t tell at this stage if any of them are going to develop. We’ll have to have another look in a few more days’ time.’

It’s day thirteen of this cycle, by the way. Thirteen and no lead follicle. Christ, Satsuma is such a slacker. I put my knickers back on.

And then I popped my head round the curtains and asked ‘Does that mean I could ovulate on the left side?’


Ah. I don’t have a fallopian tube that side.

I have been booked for another scan on Friday morning.

And then I went to work. In a temper. Because now I do have two ovaries? Well, one and one eighth, or something, but there’s still something functional in there? Really? Because I don’t have a fallopian tube on the left, and any ovulation on that side would be a complete fucking waste of a cycle. Which complicates matters a little. And made me say sweary words under my breath all day at work. Luckily, the office was deserted.Because I would have said them even if it hadn’t been.

What the hell else is hiding in there? The fallopian tube as well? The lost treasure of the Sierra Madre? Lord Lucan?

I shall call her Kumquat.


13 responses to “You’re supposed to be dead

  • Nina

    *sighs* How obnoxious. How irritating. I’d express hope for Satsuma, but I think she’s going the way of the black sheep daughter. And the loyal daughter is seriously flawed. Cue sappy movie with happy ending? I don’t see how, but I never do till the end. {hugs and chocolate}

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh My Good Gawd! A kumquat?! That does… complicate things a little more. And they were already a bit tricky to begin with. Oh, May! Why?! Why does this happen to you! You deserve twittering bluebirds, bliss and babies galore. Bastard universe.

    But… something to consider… On my first, privately funded, IUI, my glorious high-faluting consultant put John’s expensively washed, graded and centrifuged sperm back into the Wrong Uterus (the juicy left-hand one attached to the lazy ovary, as opposed to the dessicated right-hand one attached to the slightly-more-functioning ovary) because the endometrium looked much better on that side. Checking the lie of the follicle land would have been clever, but there you go. Anyhoo, he told me (after the dust had settled) that the cycle wasn’t actually a complete and utter wash-out. Apparently, despite being positioned (you’d even think it was deliberate, or something) exceedingly close to a handy fallopian tube, sometimes eggs pop out the ovary and just have a random swim off into your abdomen, and end up travelling down the OTHER tube. Needless to say, mine didn’t, and the cycle was a wash-out. We got our money back.

    However. The NEXT cycle was cancelled because I didn’t respond well to the insane amounts of gonadotrophins I was injecting into myself. There was exactly Nothing going on over on the left ovary, as usual, and only a couple of follicles on the right ovary which looked even vaguely hopeful after about 3 weeks of frantic stimulation. So we abandoned the cycle. But… I got pregnant anyway. In the LEFT uterus. Eggy had obviously been a-swimming.

    So, they seem to know where to go. Kumquat’s eggs will quite possibly head over to the remaining tube. But it’s another factor to queer the pitch, which you didn’t want and didn’t need. Unless you ever do IVF, of course, in which case a couple more mature eggs would be a comfort.

    Can you please have a little more consideration for my weakening bladder? ‘Truffle hunter’ has just sent me scurrying to the loo, legs crossed, crouched over like some sort of hunch-groin. It’s altogether possible I will never be dildocamed again without hearing snuffling noises off stage left!

  • MFA Mama



    As HFWifey pointed out, at least if it comes to IVF you may have a few more eggies than expected.

  • Heather

    I HATE that they never give us the full information about our bodies!

    sweary words over here for you too

  • Rachel

    That is absurd! What exactly were they doing in there the last, oh, say ten times that they didn’t notice a second ovary? Can you at least call for a second consult now with this most unexpected piece of news?

  • Jane G

    Shergar might be in there too? That is really bizarre. But as the other commenters say, kumquat might turn out to be a bonus if you go for IVF. Hang in there, petal xx

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    I’m torn between the reality and the urge to use the line ‘congratulations on the extra 1/8th ovary’.

    Nuts, it really is.

  • Katie

    As others have said, useless for current purposes but may be something that helps if you get to the IVF stage…

  • Katie

    Just to annoy you, I’m testing my new gravatar…

  • Betty M

    How odd that this is the first time the recalcitrant leftie has shown her colours. Perhaps the competition will get Satsuma into action.

  • geohde

    Naughty Satsuma. Mind you, I never ovulated before CD 21 even with the prodding of Clo.mid.

    Also, there are reports in the medical literature of women with fallopian tube on side A and ovary on B getting pregnant. It can happen, although I’d bet we’re getting towards hens needing dental work.



  • piquantmolly

    What in the hell?

    I don’t even know how to respond to that.

    “Congratulations, you have more than half of your female reproductive organs!”

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