Blood hunger

Where is the period? Where is it? Why is it not here? Because:

  1. I have cramps. Not ‘proper’ ones, which is just as well, as my proper ones knock me to the floor (for I am so very gifted in the suffering department). But general, constant, low-grade, achey grouchy-pants puppy-kicking cramps. For the past three days.
  2. I have sore bullet-nipples.
  3. I have a headache. And before this headache, I had a headache. And when I am done with this headache, I shall have another headache.
  4. It is now 10, five+five, nearly two weeks-worth of, TEN, days since I took my last provera.
  5. I have tried the peeing-on-a-stick trick. Negative stick. No period. Period, she say, ha ha ha!
  6. I want a very large bucket of ice-cream, preferably Green&Black’s vanilla and chocolate sauce. But I have to lose 21 pounds. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.
  7. Also, that reminds me, bloated midsection.
  8. Have I missed anything?
  9. Oh, yes, the fucking period.
  10. Sheesh.

Edited, after the first three commentators commented, to add:

So far I have tried:

  1. Wearing pretty pastel-coloured skimpy underwear. With lace. Nothing.
  2. Spending day at work invigilating tests, and therefore not being in a position to go to the lavatory as and when I please. Nothing.
  3. Putting clean sheets on the bed. H reminds me that there are no other sets of clean sheets in the house, as they are all in the laundry, as are most of my sturdily depressing Grumpy Black Knickers. So, bleeding on the sheets would officially be a Really Annoying Thing To Do. Nothing.
  4. H and I have had sex on the clean sheets. That normally works, especially as H is slightly squeamish and would be really rather less than pleased if etc. etc. Nothing.
  5. I mentioned peeing on sticks. I am fully prepared to do it again. I have sticks. I have pee.
  6. Staying up until 2 am, somewhat blotto on red wine, weeping hysterically at Comic Relief, and ranting on about mosquito nets, rapacious bastard drug manufacturers pricing malaria treatment so the parents of tiny babies can’t afford it, and socialised medicine. Nada. Zip. I was even sitting in the arm-chair in nothing but knickers and a tee-shirt. Drunk semi-naked ranting. Surely, surely, I should have stood up to reveal… etc. etc. GAH.
  7. Telling the internets my period has disappeared. That normally works, doesn’t it?

13 responses to “Blood hunger

  • Betty M

    Bastard period. Assume you have tried all the other tested approaches – clean whitle a gazillion thread count sheets, silk La Perl@ undies or nearest equivalent, peeing again on a stick – all these work for me everytime.
    Sheeshing with you.

  • Heather

    Two words: White pants.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Plan a really fun swimming trip tomorrow, somewhere with water slides.

  • Nina

    Ok. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe the internet-acquired pee-sticks just aren’t sensitive enough? Going to think positively!

  • MFA Mama

    Oh, poor May! It is surely a measure of how badly I want only the best for you that I’m not wishing your suffering would keep going on and on, if such hilarity for my reading pleasure is the result! I’d send you some period-vibes, but mine was broken this month; late, then gone after a day, then showed its face again two days later just enough to humiliate me in tan pants, then went away once the humiliation was complete. Of course, I’m done with Things Reproductive, so it can bugger right on off if it wants to. You can have mine, how’s that?

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Oh I have to laugh, Comic Relief, I do not recommend it for TTCers.

    Every 7 minutes a starving/crying/lonely/abandoned/dying child.

    Last night was a wobbly one in our house.

  • Rita

    fly somewhere on a plane – it works every time – regardless of time zones.

  • womb for improvement

    I can absolutely identify with this, and you’ve clearly tried all my tricks (that don’t work anyway).


  • Helen

    I KNEW there must be a kindred spirit out there somewhere, weeping copiously at RND and planning on knitting mosquito nets to save African children while wearing The Good Knickers and promising various yoga-inducing positions while trying to get the flow going.

    You were not alone. You are also not alone in the cravings (although mine is salt, so I’m going to ask HFF for a salt-lick loaner) and The Bloat. I will send virtual Green and Black’s just for you.

  • Rachel

    Wait – have you tried calling your ever-so-responsive consultation doctor? Didn’t that work in the past?

    I used to hate those waits. You know the inevitable is going to happen and you want to get it over with and you just wait and wait (and it used to take me over 14 days to bleed post-meds).

  • Katie

    Yep, usually works, should be along any minute now!

  • Katie

    PS I had to hold off on watching most of RND after Helen and your comments as I have personally known children that have died of malaria and was not in that kind of mood over the weekend.

  • Shinejil

    I second Heather, and add: white silk trousers.

%d bloggers like this: