Where is the period? Where is it? Why is it not here? Because:
- I have cramps. Not ‘proper’ ones, which is just as well, as my proper ones knock me to the floor (for I am so very gifted in the suffering department). But general, constant, low-grade, achey grouchy-pants puppy-kicking cramps. For the past three days.
- I have sore bullet-nipples.
- I have a headache. And before this headache, I had a headache. And when I am done with this headache, I shall have another headache.
- It is now 10, five+five, nearly two weeks-worth of, TEN, days since I took my last provera.
- I have tried the peeing-on-a-stick trick. Negative stick. No period. Period, she say, ha ha ha!
- I want a very large bucket of ice-cream, preferably Green&Black’s vanilla and chocolate sauce. But I have to lose 21 pounds. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.
- Also, that reminds me, bloated midsection.
- Have I missed anything?
- Oh, yes, the fucking period.
Edited, after the first three commentators commented, to add:
So far I have tried:
- Wearing pretty pastel-coloured skimpy underwear. With lace. Nothing.
- Spending day at work invigilating tests, and therefore not being in a position to go to the lavatory as and when I please. Nothing.
- Putting clean sheets on the bed. H reminds me that there are no other sets of clean sheets in the house, as they are all in the laundry, as are most of my sturdily depressing Grumpy Black Knickers. So, bleeding on the sheets would officially be a Really Annoying Thing To Do. Nothing.
- H and I have had sex on the clean sheets. That normally works, especially as H is slightly squeamish and would be really rather less than pleased if etc. etc. Nothing.
- I mentioned peeing on sticks. I am fully prepared to do it again. I have sticks. I have pee.
- Staying up until 2 am, somewhat blotto on red wine, weeping hysterically at Comic Relief, and ranting on about mosquito nets, rapacious bastard drug manufacturers pricing malaria treatment so the parents of tiny babies can’t afford it, and socialised medicine. Nada. Zip. I was even sitting in the arm-chair in nothing but knickers and a tee-shirt. Drunk semi-naked ranting. Surely, surely, I should have stood up to reveal… etc. etc. GAH.
- Telling the internets my period has disappeared. That normally works, doesn’t it?