Ambivalence, I haz it.

So, you weren’t sure how on earth I was feeling on being given an appointment, an actual appointment, with the IVF clinic. To be honest, neither was I. Gob-smacked will do for now. I thought we wouldn’t reach the top of the list until September at the earliest.

But I can’t be all delighted about it. I simply can’t. I’m not done here yet.

As I was saying to my brand new infertility and loss counsellor this evening, I got pregnant on nothing but Clomid once before. The sperm works, the tube works, the lining works, all we need is an egg, and if we can get an egg and bang like a barn door in a twister, we will get pregnant again. Won’t we? I’ve only ovulated three times since Pikaia, so statistically it was Not Likely even if two of said ovulations hadn’t been very very late and therefore probably a bit manky. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

As for my body’s current rejection of all things Clomid, well, I was only on 50 mg an evening, and I hear of women taking 100, 150, mg routinely. I may very simply need a larger dose. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

And then, if Clomid really doesn’t work for me any more, there’s Femara. That induces ovulation in PCOS women, doesn’t it? And it doesn’t thin the uterine lining like Clomid can. Though I have heard Femara works less well on fatter women, so my arse might get in the way. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

And then, there’s the tube. I know I said it worked. Well, it worked for Pikaia. I don’t know if it works any more, what with That Infection. If it is Comprehensively Buggered, as the HSG lady likes to insist, they’ll probably want to remove it before doing IVF in case it is leaking Evil Fluids of Unspeakable Embryonic Doom back into the uterine cavity. Apparantly buggered fallopian tubes do this, the little bastards. If they do take the tube, it’s IVF or nothing. No hope of a Whoopsie Hello Miracle Baby. No hope of the Surprise! I didn’t downregulate! ultrasound. No making the child of our hearts in the first bed we bought together. And I’m going to have to process losing that chance, however miniscule it ever was going to have been.

And I feel all this giving up and moving on has been forced on me, by bureaucracy, by Miss Consultant’s lackadaisical attitude to her patients’ requests for advice, by this cycle being so stupid and long and doomed. And I am stubborn. I do not give up and move on easily. I will damn well master this level before I go on to the next.

And I do so want a real chance at conceiving our child in our bed. Even if it doesn’t work, I so very much want to have had that chance.

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7 responses to “Ambivalence, I haz it.

  • a

    Ah yes, I see your point. Well, it does sound (from other commenters who might actually know) that once you have your foot in the door of the fertility clinic, you can determine your fate from there. And you never know when the miracles will come. But, in my opinion, the baby itself is the miracle, and how he/she came about is only a process. Whatever works – that’s my personal motto.

  • geohde

    Whichever way it happens, May, frompersonal experience it doesn’t matter afterwards….

    Except for the questions, if you have multiples. SIgh.

    J

  • womb for improvement

    I think this all sound perfectly sane (as opposed to nuts). It sounds like they have a set treatment plan and aren’t looking at your specific needs – which by now you have a much better handle on than them. I would normally suggest you try and get an appointment to talk it through with your consultant but, well, that clearly isn’t going to happen!

    Keep standing up for yourself. xx

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I hadn’t thought, until just now, if I would have felt any differently about Harry, had he been the result of one of my assisted cycles, as opposed to the consequence of the early nights resulting from our slightly insane SIL coming to stay.

    Perhaps I would. I might have felt cheated of the proprietary ‘I made him ALL BY MYSELF’ (umm… well, with Hubby, OBVIOUSLY) feeling. Which I won’t pretend wasn’t a bloody good feeling, coming on the back of 6 months of Clomid EPIC FAIL, 4 assisted cycles and 3 pregnancy losses. But I think, after all that, I had totally given up on my own innards anyway. I hated and distrusted them, EVEN after they redeemed themselves by spontaneous, wonderful conception. I still view them with deep misgivings. Attempting to gain the mastery over your own reproductive system can be a disheartening process.

    I can see why you want to win this level on your own terms. Completely.

    But. But but but. I would be inclined to view a child conceived via an assisted cycle as the lucky and special end result of unparalleled devotion, commitment and love by their parents. The differently fertile parents go that extra mile of humiliation, great personal sacrifice (of their dreams, money and dignity) and significant physical discomfort (I’m really selling this, aren’t I?) in order to bring their children into the world. If I was that child, I’d think being demonstrably wanted so very very much was something extra-special.

    I went the the 1st birthday party of Harry’s little friend last week, and I splashed out a bit more than I ordinarily would on a gift, and wrote a message to the Mum that I put some extra thought into. Why? Because she had her little girl through surrogate IVF. After seeing her undergo 8 miscarriages, her sister carried her child for her.

    This is not, of course, to say that the more cycles you have, the more loved the child is. Or that beds are not the best place to conceive babies.

    I’m still dead-set on cattle-prodding the Consultant. Can I? Please?

  • Betty M

    You do what you have to do and if you want to finish this level go for it. I admit I come from an opposite approach. I felt the best advice I ever had was to skip a load of levels and go straight to the big guns. It gave me the time to have siblings even with a smorgasbord of failed cycles and miscarriage thrown in. Having also then had a miracle conception (followed by m/c) I know that it makes not a jot of difference the method of conception about how I felt about the product but how I felt about me was a different matter.

  • Jane G

    I can really see why you want that chance, who wouldn’t. I’ve been on 150mg of Clomid for the past four cycles so I don’t think it’s unusual. So push Miss Consultant on it.

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