Home from the sea

Item – All the comments – oh, my exceedingly dear Internets, thank you so much. Thank you. Just… thank you.

Item – Friday was lovely. Deeply bitter-sweet, melancholy, and lovely. The fact that one of the bigger boats stuck so closely to the little boat with Pikaia’s name on strikes me as so poignant I well up every time I think of it, and it makes me happy. One of the reasons I found myself announcing loudly to H ‘We’ll make lots of boats!’ was because suddenly sending one boat down to the sea all by itself seemed cruel (anthropomorphosizing much?). And then, so many other people we know and care for have also lost pregnancies and – oh God – repeatedly. So we made lots of boats. So not one of them would have to go down to the sea alone.

Item – H had been worried about Friday. Worried that he would lose it and howl (and he is not by nature or inclination happy with howling); even more worried he wouldn’t feel anything at all. As it was, his eyes filled with tears when he saw Pikaia’s name written down with his own surname. And again, at other points during the day. So he neither lost it nor froze over, and all was well.

Item – In the past couple of days, our sex-life has improved dramatically. I bet you wanted to know that. Yes, you did, look, you’re smirking. Anyway, it has, and very probably because it was difficult (I nearly said ‘hard’, and wouldn’t that be hugely inappropriate (stop it. Stop it now.)) for either party to keep calm and carry on with a haunted uterus in the vicinity. Poor H.

Item – Rachel said our little boating expedition was ‘a beautiful tradition’ (thank you). We ‘made it up’ in a rush last week, not really knowing what to do but badly wanting to do something. Is it a tradition? Have other people already done this or somthing similar and I missed it? Good. It ought to be a tradition.

Item – I even wondered if we should do it again next year. H moved me to tears by saying that as much as he had loved the boats, he didn’t think he could bear to. Because there should be a little one year old, then a two year old, a three year old, a child old enough to enjoy playing with boats and wanting to join in, with us each time. Oh, God, I love that man. I love him so much.

Item – I daren’t talk about what Satsuma is or is not up to right now. The amount of false alarms she has managed this cycle should have got her eaten by wolves three times over. And back we go, into the life I am actually having, rather than the one I should be having.


10 responses to “Home from the sea

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    The boats were so so so so poignant. So. The sight of a lonely one would have been utterly heartbreaking, but the paper flotilla was lovely. Such a wonderful array of coloured paper you had lying around, too!

    Your fabulous boat-building skills will come in handy in times to come… Oh, I do so want you both to have a little person to sail boats with come along soon. So very, very much. The ghosts and the memories do lie more gently when the flesh and blood child is toddling alongside them – so perhaps in three years time you can sail another flotilla for Pikaia with a different quality of sadness and remembrance.

    I have never heard of anyone doing this before, but it’s a truly beautiful idea. I will mention it to my Counsellor if you don’t mind – she’s mentioned similiar ideas to me in the past, but nothing as good, and perhaps someone else would find it cathartic. I would certainly have done it, had I had the brains to think of it.

    Satsuma is obviously in league with my misbehaving bits. I have LH-surged AND begun a period, all within 4 days. Clever me!

  • a

    Well, I am glad you are finding a light side to the week. Item:sex life made me smirk of course, but is there a more specific reason why “hugely” was so emphasized?

    Again, beautiful tribute.

    Hope Satsuma learns some manners and cooperation soon.

  • Rachel

    Ok, now I’m even more in awe. I just presumed that this was someone’s tradition you had heard about. What a beautiful thing to start for Pikaia. I do think many of your readers will share the idea with their friends, and when you see fleets of little boats in the future, you will know that your little girl’s memory started something wonderful.

  • korechronicles

    A tradition starts on the first occaision and even if you can’t bear to do that one again it may be that next year you will mark it with an equally lovely, equally meaningful event.

    Sending Satsuma the strongest virtual kick in the pants I can manage with these wonky feet. A Tease and a Slacker!

  • womb for improvement

    If it isn’t a tradition it is certainly one that I am sure will be picked up by many other looking for a beautiful, fitting but not too forced way of remembering lost pregnancies.

    And gosh satsuma is being infuriating!

  • Nina

    Ok, Satsy, I’ve had it. First, my own Ute, then you. You are all going to time out. No toys, no Nintendo, and No Gin and Cards. Cut that out. That hand gesture is highly unattractive. You’re grounded. You go to your room and think about what you’ve done. I’m sending your father in there. (Uh-oh, speaking of hugely inappropriate. Hee hee HEE!) I’m with H. I don’t think I could bear it either. But I think it was good for you both.

  • Jane G

    You have me in tears here! That’s what I get for blogging at work. I know what you mean about not wanting to let one boat off on its own. When we decided to plant a white cherry tree in honour of our lost babies, we planted two little holly bushes nearby it, because one of our babies would have been due around Christmas last year.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better (double entrendre totally deliberate) now that the date has passed.

  • Helen

    I also loved that you have a way of marking the day. I think it was needed. I think it helps.

    I also can’t help but tell you i laughed at your sex life note. And haunted uterus is going to be the phrase of the day, because it will have so many people out here nodding and saying “Finally, someone thought of a way to say it.”

  • This being what May thought of counselling. « Nuts in May

    […] Anyway, H can too bawl. He cried when he saw I had written Pikaia’s name out in full with his surname on her little boat. […]

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