How can this possibly be an update?

Day 25. Satsuma is still lolling on her satin cushions, flipping the clomid the bird and drinking gin.

I have run out of OPKs.

I have a plan. If Satsuma has not shifted her baggy arse by Monday, I am calling the ACU and making a fuss. Hopefully they’ll offer me a ride on the dildo-cam, and then we shall know if I should wait because Satsuma, teenager-style, has started cleaning her room just, and only, when the adults turn up with big black bin-liners to put everything still on the floor into (why yes, my mother did do this once. How did you guess?). Or, alternately, declare Clomid Take 4 a complete waste of everyone’s time and money, neck provera, start again.

If the ACU do not offer me an ultrasound, I shall kick a hole in the nearest brick wall. So there.

As for the rest of me, on Monday morning I slipped clambering into the bath (the shower is also in the bath), and somehow caught myself a right ding above the inside knee. I have a bruise there so startlingly navy blue that I catch myself yelping ‘bloody hell, what is that?’ every time I take my jeans down. Startles colleague in next toilet cubicle, I can tell you. I also, in my flailing, managed wrench or yank or jolt my shoulders, which are now a mass of knots and pinched nerves.

And I have a mysterious bruise the size of a thumb-print on my forearm. I cannot account for it. It turned up just before the flinging-self-about-in-tub incident. It hadn’t been there the previous evening. Admittedly, the previous evening finished in gratifying style, but I simply cannot begin to think how doing that bruised my arm. Unless… No. Actually, no. Let us not speculate. Better not. No.

(It’s all H’s fault, of course).


12 responses to “How can this possibly be an update?

  • geohde

    Is it wrong that I giggled rather immaturely at the dildo cam reference?


  • Katie

    I find it usually is the fault of Himself. I think he understands that, though.

  • Nina

    Hell, at least you had fun getting the last one. I giggled immaturely at the H reference. Sounds like Orgasmic Mayhem with a little nekkidness on the side. You go girl!

  • a

    Just what everyone wants to hear in the restroom…”Bloody hell, what is that?” I can’t even think what people are imagining when they hear that.

    I hope you don’t have to kick holes in brick walls, but if you do, wear your steel-toed boots. Passive-aggressive ovaries and broken toes do not make a good pair.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I also had the Black Bin Bag experience, courtesy of a highly annoyed mother. I sulked on my bed and let her get on with it!

    If they do not offer you an ultrasound, then I think all we ladies in need of a regular revelatory peer inside the bits need to gang up, break in and steal the machine. H could hold the ladder in penance for the mysterious bruise (which Of Course must be his fault; as he is the Husband and therefore prime suspect A). Your colleagues are obviously already unsettled and suspicious of your shady character by virtue of your toilet-yelping, so if we’re caught and charged they won’t bat an eyelid.

    Who’s with me?!

    *looks behind at the draughty emptiness*

  • korechronicles

    I’ve inflicted the Black Garbage Bag Experience on The Boy. Made no difference whatsoever. Was more for my sanity than building his housekeeping skills. Probably about as effective for Satsuma, the little hussy. She’s an expert at Civil Disobedience, clearly.

    And husbands taking the blame? AS IS THEIR DUTY.

  • Womb For Improvement

    Here’s hoping you won’t have to add a stubbed toe to your mounting catalogue of injuries.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Cubicle image is very very funny

  • Aphra Behn

    Dildo cam?

    Heh heh heh heh heh.

    I once found two matched sets of bruises each the size of a tuppenny bit four on the back of one calf and five on the back of the other. I’ve no idea how they got there. Honest I haven’t.



  • Nina

    Maybe you’ll get the OPK’s I ordered from Ebay 3 weeks ago. They’ve had time to go to London and back to the States by now. Go look in the mailbox. If you find them, take out what you need, and forward the rest, would you?

  • Artblog

    Oh dear, what we do to make a baby, eh! xxx

  • Heather

    Thinking of you today. I have a candle lit for Pikaia today.

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