Completely normal

Item – Have now had three appalling melt-downs, shouting, howling, hysterical sobbing melt-downs, in three days. Oh joy.

Item – I hate myself like this. Hate hate hate. Grrr. And I was a cow to H last night, when the row was over and I had cried my eyes completely out and we had to round them up and rinse the carpet fluff off them (sorry. Am in strange mood). He was trying to do that opening up, caring sharing thing I go on about so much and I cut him dead. Mostly because I felt utterly sick of absolutely everything ever, starting with Genocide and Supernovas and working my way right down to microns, split-ends and Paris Hilton’s love-life, and not because I was not interested in what H was saying. It was not a Good Moment.

Item – I am assuming it’s some kind of bereavement reaction to Pikaia’s approaching due date (16th of January) and, like Jane said in the comments on the post before last, I’ll feel rather more human when it’s over. I think I really do feel that up until the 16th, Pikaia is still somehow my responsibility. I am assuming this too is normal. I am chosing to assume, in fact, that I am behaving completely normally for an infertile woman with added miscarriage drama, and everyone else can say thank you for the reality check and make me tea.

Item – No sign yet of ovulation. It is day 21. I can manage ovulating weeks late all by myself, thank you, and don’t see why I needed to take psychotic-break-inducing medication to replicate the endless tension, boredom, seriously anxsty sex, and peculiar out-breaks of blind rage at own ovary. I can make my own at home, using nothing but one husband, slightly shop-soiled, and whatever hormones my pituary can be bothered to come up with for free. Gah.

Item – OPKs have adopted new and interesting strategy of becoming fractionally, and by fractionally I mean about one millionth of an iota, darker on each succeeding day without ever showing anything close to a decided positive. This is a PCOS thing, I suppose. Just like the fact I need to wax my upper lip again but can’t because there is a spot the size of a Cairngorm on it already.

Item – Somewhere under all this, there is a perfectly decent life waiting to be lived. Oh dear.


8 responses to “Completely normal

  • megnath

    My unfulfilled due date was September 3rd. If it makes you feel any better it was a totally unremarkable day even though, like you, I had anticipated it with dread for MONTHS. My husband’s not a “date” or “numbers” person and had no idea. That’s the worst part for me – the remembering. Why do I keep remembering ALL these stupid dates??? LMP? Check. Conception date? Check. Ovulation date? Check. Date of first doctor’s appointment? Check. Date of miscarriage? Check (which is coming up by the way on February 10th).
    Why can’t I turn my brain off?
    Sending you strength and cyber-hugs as you approach the date 😦

  • susan

    ok…dont’ hate me right off, but thank God on high that the men don’t remember dates and what-not…the world would screech to an immediate halt if every single one of us, man and woman alike were honing in on the same bits. we’re wired differently. it is painful that they have no clue of how we are wired, and have even LESS of a clue that the DATES we are wired to remember are enormously important to us. it sucks. but there is a bit of comfort that they are out there attending to the things that they are wired to notice. anyway, i lurk here often and want to hug you big time for this post. tough it out girl. i’m here too.

  • womb for improvement

    As for the OPKs the one line is darker than the other never work for me (also pcos I guess). So I use the cheapo ones until it looks like something is happening and then try one of my precious digital smiley faced ones for a couple of days.

    Will be thinking of you on the 16th.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Your last line makes me want to go out and smack my face on the footpath.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Good turn of phrase there, Xbox… another pavement-smacker here.

    It’s mortifying when you hear yourself emitting a stream of spiteful bile… when there’s an inner you, completely ashamed, frantically trying to apply the verbal brakes. I found Clomid a distinct catalyst for those kind of episodes. Dreadful stuff.

    I’m just so, so very sorry about it all. Pavement-smackingly sorry. About the whole flippin’ lot. I want to bowl down there with a large basket of more lichen/chocolate, but that’ll not help the PCOS, damn it. Or, if you are anything like me, the Cairngorm. Bastard spots! They always erupt when you least want to appear defaced.

    How did the counsellor/time/work conundrum shake out in the end? I ask, because I only got desperately unhappy enough to seek help when my due date approached.

    Love to everybody, even Satsuma.

  • thalia

    It’s a lot of loss to deal with, sweetie, you are allowed to be a bit bent out of shape. And as a wise friend said to me once, beating yourself up about something you already feel bad about is not going to make the situation any better.

    Re the OPKs, my understanding is that they are useless for most women w PCOS as they measure LH, and your LH Is always higher than average, so they really don’t know what to do with you. Again, my undersatnding is that the fertility monitor is better since it looks at estrogen as well as LH. Dunno if that helps since it’s rather expensive.

  • This is the science bit « Nuts in May

    […] sly mimicking of a buggered thyroid, for which I have also been tested twice now). (BTW, Thalia, fertility monitor manufacturers insufferable and are saying their product not suitable for women with PCOS with NO ADDED […]

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