Item: Ooh, look, a troll! A teeny wee troll of my own! More of a gonk, really, don’t you think? I read that dear little comment this morning, drinking tea in my jim-jams, and fell about laughing. And then I ran into the next room and cried to H: ‘Quick! Read my comments! I’ve been judged! Right in the face!’ and H looked puzzled and obediently trotted over, and looked, and downright guffawed. Aww, gonklet, bless, thank you for playing, and here’s your wooden spoon. Because, really, me, ‘Where’s the grapefruit juice?’ May, drinking too much to get pregnant, ohhh, stop, please, my ribs hurt, heh heh heh (seriously, ‘I need a drink’ does not automatically mean ‘and so I shall have one.’ Sheesh). Eating too much, I’ll grant you. Or being too vile to my husband, you could have had a field day with that. All you have proved is that a) no, you haven’t been reading my blog at all, have you, you silly thing, and b) I have lovely friends on the internet who will totally leap to my defence and laugh happily with me, so I’m leaving the comment up forever because it made my otherwise rather ‘meh’ day.
Item: On the subject of meh, I have a cold. My throat is sore and I am freezing cold and shivery and my back aches and oh, look, I’m whingeing again. Spent day in fug of cough-sweet fumes. Was hugely unproductive at work. Went shopping for presents during lunch and ended up panic-phoning H because I suddenly couldn’t tell the difference between Humphrey Lyttelton and Humphrey Carpenter, which is just appalling as I adored Humphrey Lyttelton, and would have turned a great present into a WTF? present. I need to spend a day with my head in a bucket of Vicks and my feet in a bucket of hot water.
Item: My breasts really hurt. They’re driving me mad. You know why they’re driving me mad. Silly tits.
Item: Am trying to get the zip, zing, flare and rawr together to go see the GP, and sort out the blasted IVF waiting list defeasance bollocks. Urgh. So not in the mood. So very very not in the mood. Why is this my problem etc. *Distant boinging sound of woman beating head on side of bath, because it has a more musical resonance than the usual brick wall*
Item: And then I was very very spoilt and precious and bought myself this as an A+Congratuchristmahanukwanzaa present. It’s so cute! Squeeeeeeee!