My fertility chart says I ovulated on Friday. I think my fertility chart is barking mad, as I clearly ovulated on Sunday, if at all. And I am very very serious about the IF AT FUCKING ALL part, because Satsuma has been known to manufacture pints of EWCM, hurt like the blue blazes for an afternoon, prance about with a high temperature for a few days, and then tuck herself very carefully back into bed and deny all knowledge.
(Why can’t I have a normal ovary? I mean, if I must have only the one, why does it have to be a lazy feckless whiner with an unhealthy interest in amateur theatricals?)
Anyway. On Sunday Satsuma hurt like the aforesaid blue blazes, I spent the entire day retreating to the nearest convenience to mop up the startlingly slutty undercarriage, H and I had (more) sex, my cervix had practically disappeared up my neck (I am a very very earnest and diligent fertility charter and I am not squeamish, and if you are squeamish, why are you reading this blog?). But my temperature has been slightly elevated since Friday. I blame insomnia and booze, but the charting software is being unreasonable.
My period (no, not ‘Aunt Flo’ – have you met my aunts? Of course you haven’t – for the very phrase makes me want to scream and jump up and down with rage. I get periods. I am a grown up. They are quite quite horrid. I don’t need anyone being coy about it or, for God’s sake, bringing the Threat of Aunts into it) – where was I? Oh yes. My period is due, therefore, on:
a) the 18th of December, while the In-Laws are visiting, this being the charting software’s preferred option, given my usual twelve day luteal phase.
b) the 20th of December, if I am right and the software wrong, and again given standard luteal phase of twelve days, thereby making last week at work before the holidays Hell on Toast.
c) Hanukah, for shit and giggles. Also ditto point above about work.
c) the humty-fifth of Somethingber, 2011, because Satsuma is taking the piss again, and my temperature will have gone ‘kadonk’ in the morning.
Therefore Miss Consultant technically has until the 18th of December to tell me if I can go ahead with the next round of Clomid.
(I went all the way to work this morning and was on time and was just sitting down to do some actual work and promptly got smashed over the eyes with a migraine and had to turn right round and stagger all the way home again and lie face down on the bed praying for death and/ or oblivion for several hours. And then I dozed off and dreamed a giant squirrel was eating my head. And then I felt better and had some tea. Stupid pointless day that was).