Parenthetically

My fertility chart says I ovulated on Friday. I think my fertility chart is barking mad, as I clearly ovulated on Sunday, if at all. And I am very very serious about the IF AT FUCKING ALL part, because Satsuma has been known to manufacture pints of EWCM, hurt like the blue blazes for an afternoon, prance about with a high temperature for a few days, and then tuck herself very carefully back into bed and deny all knowledge.

(Why can’t I have a normal ovary? I mean, if I must have only the one, why does it have to be a lazy feckless whiner with an unhealthy interest in amateur theatricals?)

Anyway. On Sunday Satsuma hurt like the aforesaid blue blazes, I spent the entire day retreating to the nearest convenience to mop up the startlingly slutty undercarriage, H and I had (more) sex, my cervix had practically disappeared up my neck (I am a very very earnest and diligent fertility charter and I am not squeamish, and if you are squeamish, why are you reading this blog?). But my temperature has been slightly elevated since Friday. I blame insomnia and booze, but the charting software is being unreasonable.

My period (no, not ‘Aunt Flo’ – have you met my aunts? Of course you haven’t –  for the very phrase makes me want to scream and jump up and down with rage. I get periods. I am a grown up. They are quite quite horrid. I don’t need anyone being coy about it or, for God’s sake, bringing the Threat of Aunts into it) – where was I? Oh yes. My period is due, therefore, on:

a) the 18th of December, while the In-Laws are visiting, this being the charting software’s preferred option, given my usual twelve day luteal phase.

b) the 20th of December, if I am right and the software wrong, and again given standard luteal phase of twelve days, thereby making last week at work before the holidays Hell on Toast.

c) Hanukah, for shit and giggles. Also ditto point above about work.

c) the humty-fifth of Somethingber, 2011, because Satsuma is taking the piss again, and my temperature will have gone ‘kadonk’ in the morning.

Therefore Miss Consultant technically has until the 18th of December to tell me if I can go ahead with the next round of Clomid.

Hmm.

(I went all the way to work this morning and was on time and was just sitting down to do some actual work and promptly got smashed over the eyes with a migraine and had to turn right round and stagger all the way home again and lie face down on the bed praying for death and/ or oblivion for several hours. And then I dozed off and dreamed a giant squirrel was eating my head. And then I felt better and had some tea. Stupid pointless day that was).

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4 responses to “Parenthetically

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I also have (in my case, a brace of) ovaries that are specialists in Fuckwittage. I have upwards of 40 ovulation peesticks (Double-length cycles! Yay…) sat in a repulsive yellowing row upstairs, at least 3 of which are indicative of ovulation. I feel they lie.

    You know, I hadn’t noticed the cervix thing until you mentioned it. And I’ve been keeping an eye out (what a particularly coy euphemism!) and yes, it does fluctuate between the floors, doesn’t it?!

    Satsuma is so thoroughly successfully anthropomorphised in my head, that I really can’t make up my mind whether to send her flowers (gentle encouragement) or a postcard that says ‘Just COMMIT, dammit!’

    So sorry about the migraine. But at least the giant squirrel has, you know, good taste in heads.

  • geohde

    Ah your Satsuma and my useless gonads operate on a similar framework. Lucky us.

    My OPK’s are always blazingly positive, I get random leaky girly bits (of all sorts of the usual options at all sorts of times), and my chart. Well.

    J

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    I have this mental picture of a woman in a downstairs loo with her fingers coming out her own mouth due to checking for her cervix position….

  • womb for improvement

    Could I propose d) (actually should be E cause you used c twice – not that I’m being picky). Anyway, yes, would it be wrong to propose d) period due late 2009 as a result of getting pregnant and having said baby?

    Just a thought.

    And so with you on the Aunt Flo thing.

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