This hurts me more than it hurts you

Umm. Look. Umm. I need to clarify something. It may be my own silly fault for being snarky about Ms Squeaky the Slightly Pregnant Over-Sharer in the last post. But still: –

I am very glad people like reading my blog, and very flattered, but, wishing miscarriages on people, even unbelievably shrill and over-excited skinny women who have been pregnant for, ohh, seventeen seconds? Not on. Sorry. I am sure you meant well and were empathising with me, but I’ve recently had a miscarriage myself and it (the miscarriage) was so fucking horrible and sad. Your comment, dear Megnath, was rather a jab in the solar plexus. I know you didn’t mean it to be. So I am very sorry to make your comment the start of a CLARIFICATION (and a librarian’s clarification is a Thing Not To Be Sneezed At (and yes, I do get like this at the dinner table too)).

  1. Pregnant women are the most beautiful things on God’s green earth. Yes, it is true that the sight of a pregnant woman will make me anything from mildly wistful to deeply morbid, depending on the weather, but, and this is important, pregnant women don’t make me miserable. They merely remind me that I am miserable, and that is hardly their fault.
  2. Yes, I do wish people were more restrained, less public, more thoughtful about their reproductive habits, at least in coffee shops. And I worry, yes, really, worry, that the naive excitable ones will get smacked down (as well as the old stabby-stabby to the heart thing because I am not one of them). It’s worrying about them that makes the stabby-stabby so very stabby. Don’t they know? One in four? The risk? Saints protect the poor idiots, but where have they been living all their lives, under a rock?
  3. But that naive excitement is so lovely. Just think, in a world where pregnancy is often a disaster, unplanned, unwanted, unloved, a happy one! And if I have to be smacked upside the head every day of my life till I die by happy excited squeaky and-we-weren’t-trying people, so be it. I’d rather that than ever wish my barrel of reproductive crap on anyone else.
  4. So, please, by all means wish that Ms Squeaky and her infuriating ilk learns that parenting can be Rather Hard, and wish that she gets a clue and some perspective on other people’s lives, and also some manners, because there is never never any good reason to talk about your vajaja in your Outdoor Voice in a freaking coffee shop. And snark and bitching is the very air I breathe, or, at least, caffeine I thrive on. But no wishing actual disasters on others, please. Not on my blog. I don’t really like being made to cry before breakfast.

None of the above self-rightous trumpeting changes the fact that it can be very painful to have my poor face rubbed in other people’s pregnancies. Heigh ho.

1000th commentator, I will talk about you tomorrow. For I know who you are, and you are a 24-carat sweetheart, and you should have your own happy post.

Edited to add: You know, I was going to make this post a LOT longer, originally. But then I felt a migraine coming on (another one! WTF? And also, I really must go and see the GP about this) and had to go find my horse-pills and maybe drool and walk into things for a while. Horse-pills worked quite well this time, thank you, but inability to see much all across one side of field of vision fucking annoying. Anyway. Better now. And I’m eating chocolate ice-cream, which I’d highly recommend to all present as a most soothing activity.

Points I wish to add:

  1. Firstly, everyone reading this go hug Megnath right now. OK? Big hugs. And I am so very very sorry.
  2. I want to apologise to Megnath for taking her to task. I can cheerfully blame it on the incipient migraine, but that would be snivelly of me. I should have noticed that her original remark was made from a place of great sadness and bitterness, and instead I took it to heart and got wound up and thought about ME ME ME. ME! MEMEMEMEME! and how I felt. I am sorry. Please stay.
  3. In my defense (I snivelled at last), I never said anyone was a bad person and I did acknowledge that people meant well etc. I really did. Look above -see? And I stand by that. This was about why I can’t cope very well with certain reactions, and not about any given person being bad.
  4. To clarify the clarification, I was, inadvertantly, the annoying person ‘revealing’ in public, back in the month of May. I was less than six weeks pregnant. I was in a café, a very busy one, and I was with a friend, and I took a swig of coffee without thinking, and I promptly threw up in my mouth, with all the resultant choking and grimacing and trying to swallow it back again without gagging (not successful), and that got everyone’s attention, most of all my friend’s and he was deeply worried about me and so I had to explain I was, err, you know, p-word, only I had to shout a little because the café was noisy and he kept saying ‘what? Sorry? Didn’t catch that…’ And if an infertile and sad person had been anywhere in ear-shot (and they might well have been, because 1 in 10 couples etc.), I would have royally fucked them off. And then I started bleeding again, so.
  5. In my family, experiencing Bad Sad Things does not make a person even so much as a smidgeon more compassionate. In fact, they tend to use their Bad Sad Thing as an ace in the giant eternal family game of One-Down-Man-Ship, and get really narked if you try to offer any insights along the ‘when that happened to me…’ line. So I am very deeply in the habit of not wishing a taste of crap on bloody annoying self-centred people, as I am pretty sure it makes them even more annoying and self-centred and now you’re not even allowed to slap them upside the head anymore. I’d rather they got no aces at all ever (and I keep all the slapping privileges). So I have a certain aversion to the idea of wishing my crap on others for, actually, selfish ME KEEP ACES, thank you, reasons.
  6. But God, I wish there was a sure fire way of spreading compassion and thoughtfulness among the populace. I think the bitter desire to have someone go through the same crap as you is born out the agony of realising so very, very many people just don’t give a fuck. And that hurts. More than words can adequately express. It’s not about wanting them to suffer, so much as wanting them to damn well understand, and have some respect, and if the only way they’re going to get it is by going through it, well, we’re all human enough to think of it sometimes.

Right. And now, we shall all be friends. Group hug. I insist.


24 responses to “This hurts me more than it hurts you

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Nicely said.

    It’s hard to see people having what you don’t have, I know, but some things are just not right to wish.

    Sweetheart? Not me then…

  • Aphra Behn

    It’s a subtle point you’ve got there May, about not being made miserable but being reminded that you are miserable. Not one I’d thought of before, but one that I recognize nonetheless.


  • KristiKae

    Hmmm…I AM a 24-carat sweetheart, but you don’t know me, so that’s me off the list.

    My best friend recently got pregnant after trying for about 2.5 seconds. Then she lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

    I still stand by my wish for the publicly chirpy to be visited by the Reality Fairey in less emotionally and physically damaging ways, though.

  • Rebecca

    Oh dear…

    I’m sorry comments from the last post made you cry.

    I didn’t take what you wrote “badly” at all. Lots of people talk about “not even trying,” etc., in all sorts of public places and think nothing of it. They’re not trying to be rude. Frankly, they probably don’t realize there are other people around. That’s just how these things go much of the time.

    I took your post to be more like this: lady in the coffee shop said something that made me feel bad. Yay for her, but I’m sad.

    And I didn’t go back and read your post again, because I wanted to write what I thought you meant without “analyzing” too much.

    Your post does serve as a good reminder to be mindful of what we say with our Outside Voice. My whining about “x” is obnoxious to someone would just LOVE to have “x.”

  • megnath

    Wow. I really truly didn’t mean to offend. Please accept my apology, and by all means delete my comment from previous post if you haven’t already. And apologies to all your readers if I have offended them too 😦
    I too just suffered a miscarriage (February, 10.5 weeks), and am still emotionally raw. My comment was simply what my own reaction would have been. Am I a bad person? Clearly yes.
    Out of respect I will no longer comment, however if you don’t mind I would like to continue reading your blog as it means a lot to read about someone who understands what I’m going through. Please let me know…
    Meghan 😥

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Sorry to hear about that megnath. Your hurt must be beyond anything I can imagine.

    Take care.

  • megnath

    Thanks Xbox4NappyRash (that’s way too long!) for you kind words.
    And i want to add to May: further to the private email I sent you, it was totally inappropriate of me to make this most personal and private of sacred places the location of my bitter ranting…

  • Aphra Behn

    Just an observation that both Megnath’s response to the screechy-coffee-girl and May’s are entirely understandable and entirely valid.

    Here’s a plea that no-one uses behaviour to lable someone “a good person” or “a bad person”. Call the behaviour good or bad as much as you like but it really isn’t helpful to extend the criticism to the person. Or that’s my 2 cents, though that’s neither here nor there, because this is May’s space and I’m just fluttering through.

    I did want to say to you Megnath that your entirely understandable reaction does NOT make you a bad person. Mind you, unlike many of the people here, I do not have the personal experience to know whether it’s bad behaviour.

    Ach, I should be slapped on the back of the legs with a wet tea-towel when I start preaching.


  • May

    I have pretty much doubled the length of the above post, with a giant clarification of my clarification, by the way, for all of you just popping back in to check the comments.

  • megnath

    Yeah for group hugs!!!
    Please don’t apologize to me – this is YOUR personal space and when I am on your blog I consider myself to be a guest in your house – you can yell at me all you want 😉
    If I could take back what I wrote I would rewrite it word-for-word exactly what you wrote in you item #6.
    So I’m allowed to come back? 🙂

  • Eliza

    *jumps in on the group hug*

  • geohde

    Joining in the hug-a-thon, and putting my caffeine enema tools away… 🙂


  • Robyn

    So, so sorry May, that life at the moment is filled with stabby-stabby moments. And wishing them away for you obviously doesn’t work. Doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying though.

  • Robyn

    Got called away in the middle of my original comment and missed all the updating. I’m in for the group hug.

  • Aphra Behn

    *reads the re-clarification*

    *joins in the group hug*

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh God, late to the party!

    *runs, jumps, and flings self wildly, limbs flailing, into the seething mass that is the group hug*

    I do wish I’d discovered bloggy land before my reproductive disasters, not afterwards. Or should I say, the first batch of disasters. The people out here are just so NICE. I love everybody!

  • Rebecca

    ::: hugging Meghan :::


  • Amy

    I just read everything and want to hug Megnath! And May. And all of you. And our babies that aren’t here. And now I’m a mess.

  • megan

    **hug** **hug**
    i was so glad to read your point #3 (the first one), as that was where i was going with my comment on your last post but was leery of being too…something or another. disrespectful? i don’t know.
    #6 is my second favourite.
    can we all agree to nominate may for ruler of the world?


  • Rita

    not one for hugging – but hearty pats on the back to everyone.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Just shows how hard all this stuff is for everyone.

    I’ll also just stick with a handshake, if that’s ok.

  • Pamela Jeanne

    “I wish there was a sure fire way of spreading compassion and thoughtfulness among the populace.”

    Amen to that…

  • Emily

    Well I’m impressed, if it had been me I might have just deleted that first part and gone and hid. I’m like that. But you are not, you are brave, and you deserve a hug. ::hug::

  • Lady Bits

    I just wanted to say – you rage with such eloquence. Thank you.

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