Brief reports from the cliff-edge

Item: Still bleeding. In fact, what with yesterday being my birthday and one of the days I was spending some twelve hours at the theatre, I bled even more heavily. As I was not in any pain, had retched violently that morning and the previous one, and there were no (TMI) clots or shreds of anything worrying, I stiffened my upper lip and ignored it.

Item: Or pretended to ignore it. Or was consumed with private thoughts of the bitter irony of miscarrying on my birthday during one of the most bloody, gore-soaked stage-productions I have seen in a long while.

Item: This morning’s pee-stick (umm, yeah, still doing that every few days. Believe me, so would you under the circumstances) came up positive before the pee had even soaked as far as the control line. The yes/no line is considerably darker than the control line too. All this means is that in the past eight hours, I have secreted rather a lot of HCG. It means nothing else at all. Nevertheless, it cheered me up.

Item: It is the Bank Holiday weekend and the Early Pregnancy Unit is closed until Tuesday. If things are making me frantic, I can always go back to Accident & Emergency, but actually, I want a look with a decent scanner and someone who KNOWS about early pregnancy on the other end of the wand. Because, if Pikaia hasn’t budged, I want to know where the FUCKING HELL all this blood is coming from. So I am waiting until Tuesday. Unless Something Happens.

Item: And I haven’t felt sick yet today. As I seem to cycle rapidly between morning sickness and evening sickness, but never both on the same day, this probably means nothing. But my boobs are less painful. Cue mad woman crushing her chest with her hands and hissing ‘hurt, damn you, hurt!’ Pregnancy can turn you into a perfect masochist.

Item: I mentioned at the end of the last post that we’d started telling people. I’m not entirely sure what H’s rationale was, but mine was ‘I want people to know that Pikaia exists. Even if s/he doesn’t exist for much longer, I want people to know of Pikaia during his/her lifetime. I don’t want people to know of him/her as just a sad little episode in my past.’ For my birthday, therefore, I received a couple of extremely excited and congratulatory cards. They made me smile and cry all at the same time.

Item: My mother is being a star, excited but cautious, concerned, caring. My father got drunk, took H aside, ordered him to look after me, and declared H to be his besht mate. Oy. He also did not respond in any way to the part about bleeding and the afternoon spent in A&E. However, he did set fire to the chopping knife while cooking dinner and then pick it up by its molten handle, burning himself and flinging the flaming thing across the kitchen, and yes, it did glance (harmlessly) off me. My Dad, the psychosomatizer.

Item: H’s parents do not know about the bleeding and the scariness. H simply couldn’t think how to tell them over the phone.

Item: I am not enjoying being pregnant AT ALL.

11 responses to “Brief reports from the cliff-edge

  • Emily

    Item: Happy Birthday!!!

    Item: Thinking very positive healthy thoughts in the general direction of Pikaia. Fingers crossed.

  • korechronicles

    Best belated birthday wishes to my newest (and thus far only) commenter.

    So sorry that you and Pikaia have got off to such a nerve wracking start. Wishing you calmness and strength to endure.

  • Ann

    Hello, lovely to meet you!
    I have dropped in at an exciting time – and I have also casually fished a discarded negative test out of the bog-bin in the past for something to look at, to find that – Oh!
    Love your writing! I can see that your archives will be keeping me busy for a while…

  • Ann

    And fingers are tightly crossed for you, by the way.

  • MsPrufrock

    Re: telling people – you have a very good point, one which I hadn’t heard nor thought of before. Yer a clever little soul, aintcha?

    I’m going to bring out my large asshat (not to be confused with “large ass hat”) to say that hardly anyone enjoys early pregnancy. Some don’t enjoy any of pregnancy of course, but the early stages are DEFINITELY the worst. I never threw up during mine, but I was pretty sure I was dying between weeks 6-8. Obviously the bleeding side of things for you isn’t helping, but I know for a lot of people it stops as suddenly as it started. May you be one of those people.

    Also, happy birthday, belatedly! I think I meant to say this in a more timely manner but forgot.

  • Pamela Jeanne

    A fellow Gemini! Happy belated Birthday, May…wish it had been less exciting. Hopefully things are more mellow all the way around…I want so much to read that pregnancy is enjoyable for you!

  • Mme. Meow

    Just NaComLeavMoIng through– hope the early ickiness subsides and you have a great pregnancy :o)

  • kittyquilt

    Wow, you have been through a lot the last few days! I really hope the bleeding stops and that your little one stays put for the next 9 months! And that at some point you’ll actually be able to *enjoy* being pregnant. 🙂

  • Geohde

    Item: I don’t particularly relish being p-word either. It’s one scare after another!


  • megan

    happy birthday, miss. though i’m certain you would rather NOT be bleeding than having a birthday right about now, no? i don’t get it. you would think that after all you have put yourself through that your body would finally effing cooperate, right?
    listen up, may’s ute — BEHAVE! stop these scare tactics!
    i really hope all is well with Pikaia. keep us posted.

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