Dear Queen Satsuma,

You do realise, don’t you, that I got up at the crack of godforsaken dawn, already, to take you to your second scan? On a day when I had to hand in yet more assignments and do a full day’s work?

And you do realise that this is cycle day ten?

I’ll thank you to stop eating chocolate and watching re-runs of Montel Williams while I am talking to you.

As I was saying, this is day ten, yes, 10, of a clomid cycle. And what have you done? Eff all. Yes, you had many teeny follicles, but, my dear ovary, you are the cystic that is poly, and you always have many teeny follicles. And not one, not one single one of the bloody little slackers had so much as popped her head up above the parapet and deigned to be even minimally more impressive than the rest. Did I mention this was day ten?

I am well aware that the nice lady wand-monkey in nurse’s uniform wasn’t unduly bothered, and merely scheduled us for another day-break scan on Tuesday to see if you’d responded by then. I know she said late and/ or occasional ovulators sometimes ovulate late on clomid too. I know she seemed extremely trust-worthy, especially as the first thing she said to me was ‘oh, I see from your notes that you don’t have a left ovary.’ But you, Miss Satsuma, can drop the attitude. Don’t you dare assume that as you never ovulate before day 20 if you can help it, it’s OK to run a little late this cycle. If you haven’t pulled something out of the bag by day 21, they are going to provera your sorry ass.

Are you listening to me?

I’m glad we’ve had this little chat. Now get to it.

Yours really quite crossly,


PS And stop aching. You have no growing follicles, you are fooling no one.


5 responses to “Dear Queen Satsuma,

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