Sad. Cross. Sad. Rinse. Repeat.

Item: The placement at Prestigious is mostly boring (with occasional fun bits) and hard work. Also, museum staff are certifiable. Mostly in a good way, but still. So I am tired and frazzled.

Item: Have not ovulated. Keep pretending to ovulate, and then having to admit I was lying. This is exhausting.

Item: H’s grandmother was diagnosed with bowel cancer over the Christmas holidays, and has just had 40% of said bowel removed. Luckily the tumour is small, and having removed all the intestine that shared the same blood-vessels, they hope they’ve got the lot and she won’t need chemo. Fingers extremely crossed. This too was exhausting, and gave me bad dreams.

Item: The ACU have gone and cavalierly moved my January appointment to February. ARGH.

Item: I spent time over the New Year being a good auntie. I even put Minx to bed one night, helped her wash and get into her jammies, carried her down-stairs to say goodnight, and read her a bed-time story and kissed her little pixie face and promised to come back in ten minutes and give her another kiss if she was still awake. Bizarre mixture of tender love and delight in her sweet, funny, mischievous ways, and raw skinned feeling of longing. Spending too much time with Minx, especially when she’s being trusting and affectionate, always leaves me ‘hungover’ later, depressed and anxious and trying not to envy my sister, and also trying not to envy Minx her favoured status as Mum’s first grandchild, living with her for the first few months of her life and next-door thereafter. My own putative Infant Prodigy, should it ever exist, will never have that kind of closeness with its grandmother, simply because H and I are not so bloody stupid and irresponsible and in need of rescuing as my sister and her ex were. Like the whole spending-my-20s-using-contraception-VERY-CAREFULLY thing, I feel being a Good Girl has not so much kicked me in the teeth as smashed them down my throat.

Item: Next step, clomid.

Item: I am so depressed. Shit, but I am so depressed. Nearly everything is going my way, work, study, married life, social life, and yet I feel alone and lost. And angry with myself for being so pathetic.

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4 responses to “Sad. Cross. Sad. Rinse. Repeat.

  • megan

    be kind to yourself, May. you’ve a lot on your plate right now, and it can be so easy to loose yourself during these times. you are not pathetic! not in the slightest.

  • MsPrufrock

    Oh May…dear, dear May. I’m sorry you’re depressed. I also hate the helplessness that comes along with leaving such comments.

    I hope things calm down for you soon, it’s all so much. No wonder you’re depressed. Who wouldn’t be?

  • Jackie

    May, I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed and I wish there were something I could say to drive it out of your head. I’m thinking of you and hoping things take a turn for the better soon.

  • Katie

    Being an auntie can be very depressing. Especially when you would be a much better parent than your sibling.

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