I am not particularly happy these days.
It happens to us all, I suppose, from time to time, whether we are busy being infertile, or busy being busy at work, or busy being harrassed by family, or lack of family, or Just Life Being Shit, or even Life Not Being Particularly Shit, but relentless and uncooperative.
I wish I could make it all just go away, work, studies, family that need dealing with over the holidays, this endless boring anovulatory cycle with its constant will-I-won’t-I teasing from the stupid ovary. This morning, for example, the Fertility Chart is insisting I ovulated on Thursday, based solely on my temperature, which it is perfectly obvious only went up because I have been staying up late, drinking, and getting up later. It’s the weekend. Don’t look at me like that.
And I have several projects at work I am getting behind on, because my job-share has been off sick a lot recently, poor woman, and I am suddenly trying to do a full-time job in even less than half-time hours.
And I have a great deal of course-work to do before the end of term. Some of it interesting, but large dollops of it unimaginably tedious, and a good third of it utterly pointless. Build a website, for example. For why? I am a librarian. If I should ever want a website built in the course of my duties, I shall go and get someone good at it to do it, I most certainly won’t expect my own-half-assed, I did a one-term-course and can use basic HTML, efforts to be anywhere near what is required.
Family. Now there’s a subject. As I mentioned in the last post, H and I are not having a Family Christmas this year. Hurrah, and how precious and lovely to spend over a week alone with my darling husband, kissing and cuddling and no doubt eating too much, bickering, and watching a vast deal of television. Ahh, but, if we’re not going to any given family group for Christmas, well, can we go before Christmas? After Christmas? New Year? Is it me, or does this miss the point somewhat? We’re avoiding you, beloved family, because we have had a very shitty year, and we need to spend some time not having our faces rubbed in the shittiness and actually peacefully enjoying ourselves. Do you think it had no effect on me, all that bleeding, and pain, and surgery, and the hopelessness and loss of faith in my body? Do you think it had no effect on H, watching me go through that? Well? Exactly. And we both need a little more time to get over it. Thank you. Hah.