My husband, the alien

Way back in January, when H and I had our first visit to the ACU, H was handed two small pots and two forms and told that he needed to provide two more samples, six weeks apart. Because of a small hoojimaflip about what days the ACU accepts samples, when exactly the 22nd of March is, and what six weeks and a bit before that consists of, date-wise, the ACU will just have to put up with two samples five-and-a-half weeks apart, for I stamped my little feet and refused to even begin to countenance moving the 22nd of March appointment.

His first SA gave not quite the happiest little set of results in the world. Though, on the bright side, they weren’t dreadful. Since then I have been forcing flax-seed oil down him, just in case there was a point. And a couple of weeks ago, he gave the first of this second set of samples. I had to go into work that morning, so I left him to it. Very casually. I just kissed his cheek and trotted off. I don’t think I even made suggestive remarks and sniggered. How quickly these things do become common-place. Later that day we spoke on the phone, in work-friendly euphemism, and he assured me all had gone well, again creating the sample at home and driving it to the hospital, and yes, indeed, having the pot wedged in your armpit is not comfortable.

As of today, H has still not called the ACU to ask for his results.

I was being all Understandy Wife about this – after all, the last lot being less than a cause for jollity would perhaps give a chap the yips. Eventually I cracked, and asked when he was going to call, if he was going to call, with a side-order of brow-soothing and reassuring back-rubs on stand-by.

H is not going to call and ask for his results. Because, he really said this, because they’ll no doubt tell us all about it on the 22nd of March, so there’s no point.

You know what? I think I shall cling to my ‘bad case of the yips’ theory. The ‘he’s really truly not bothered’ theory is just WTF. And if he’s really really not bothered, why on earth doesn’t he phone and get them for me, because I am bothered? And a control freak.


3 responses to “My husband, the alien

  • Mel

    Ooooh, I could not do it. I just couldn’t. If they tell me results will be there on Tuesday, I call Monday afternoon just in case they came in early. And often I’m rewarded for my obnoxiousness with information a day early.

    Can you ask him to call for the results for you? Not for himself since he doesn’t care, but for you since you cannot wait that long?

  • Adrienne

    When you hit him upside the head with a two-by-four after he said that, was he bothered then?

    Seriously – can you call for him?

  • May

    This blog is becoming an invaluable tool for communicating with said Beloved Alien. He read this, said ‘Oh, I hadn’t realised you were that bothered,’ and promised to call them Monday – I can’t call the ACU myself as they only release results to the Sample Provider.

    And I opened my mouth to bellow ‘You never listen to a word I say!’ but luckily remembered, on the brink of the Abyss of Domestic Anxst, that I hadn’t actually really said, as such, (I mean, I certainly hinted) that I was bothered, as I was pandering to his clearly imaginary Yips, and didn’t want to wind him up if he really didn’t want to call, and, err, oops, May, you tomfool eejit.

    Nevertheless, I still believe he is not entirely human. Not bothered? Not possible.

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