On Sidling May 7, 2012

It has been suggested that sidling is an ineluctable trait of men. So, do I even need to change?

May will have to accept that I’ll never be amazingly empathic or good at understanding people and their emotions, but should she just take me as I am – infuriating (to her) habits and all? It would certainly be easier* to not make an effort and just try and get on.

This post attempts to set out my feelings as to why I don’t think this will really do – in doing so I’ll reveal a bit of my life story to explain the context  of my behaviours and where I’ve come from to be in this situation.

May is already unhappy because of the craptitude the universe has thrown at her. My role, as a spouse, should not be add to her burdens by making her unhappy with me too, but to comfort and support where I can. I also feel this is an important part of my identity. It’s scary and difficult having the sort of person I think I am pointed out to be failing to live up to that, but it leaves me a clear choice: accept I’m not a supporting and caring person or become one.

I said in my last post that I have a problem with strong emotions and a reason why. However, I think I need to learn not to react with fear and self-stifling when they occur – just because they are strong doesn’t mean that they are extreme. This I’m hoping will be dealt with by some counselling, which I must confess I have still to arrange.

The other big issue is difficulty letting go and dealing with the other main ‘self identity’ I’ve had since childhood around what constitutes success in life. As a teen I planned by the time I was 35 to have a highly-paid job, own a house and sports car (impractical, I know), have a wife, family, etc. sort of ‘on way to be a millionaire’ type plans. While this is probably common in teenage boys, I think I took it probably a bit too seriously in my binary sort way. Careers advice centered around pay and not really what I would find interesting; luckily there were promising looking ones that I had the skills for – actuarial for example. This was re-affirmed when I got a very good A level exam results in stats – it wasn’t until well into my university course I realised how much I hated stats… bit of a blow. Second blow was not quite getting the degree mark I thought I ought to be able to (this also unfortunately meant that when May didn’t either I wasn’t as supportive and sympathetic as I should have been, probably still being slightly bitter). Third blow was not getting onto the bank graduate scheme – joining a bank on a guaranteed generous income and fast track to management (because of degree mark, I think).

So, I moped out of university into life. May was finishing her degree and actually getting to spend a year abroad**, while I had to pick up temp jobs and then enrolled onto a university sponsored ‘business course’, which I didn’t really enjoy. It was all very humiliating. I eventually found a proper job, very entry level – but at least in a tech industry I enjoyed. Fast forward a couple of years, just when all seemed to be going well (second job by now), a management change above me meant I was forced to apply for my own job – and obviously failed to get it because I was ‘tainted’ by previous management. This fourth and probably biggest blow (to me) meant that May and I had to give up the flat we had moved into together just a few months earlier (don’t miss the flat, but it was the principle of independence). May’s mum and dad extremely kindly offered accommodation within reach of the big city, but it took me six months to secure another job (I think stretching their generosity a little – there were a couple of comments towards the end of our stay – although May’s siblings have since made that look like the briefest of inconvenience). During this time I felt a complete and utter failure and once again humiliated. I was unable to support May in any way because I was stuck in my own misery – just at a crucial time for May, when with her PhD was going pear-shaped.

When I got a job we moved back in together into a flat in the big city. May’s PhD collapsed (through no fault of her own – I squarely blame the tutors) and left her bereft as I was enjoying the excitement of a new job – leaving her rather abandoned (again). We muddled on and I kept on reassuring May that I was happy to support her while she sorted her life out – however, that didn’t seem to happen. May got into to a very depressed state – to a worrying degree (which causes problems now – causing me to be scared of encouraging her giving up her job even though it is really annoying). We did, however, manage to get married during this time – so I carried on supporting May financially. We then started TTC, but in quite a casual way, I certainly wanted kids (and still do), but was in no rush as my plan meant we should really buy a house first. May did get a job (part-time initially), but unfortunately I think this just made my child-hood ambitions kick in again – perhaps we could get on the housing ladder after all, perhaps I could make this work out. So when another part-time opportunity came up at May’s work I persuaded her hard to take it too (me being controlling – a trait I have only just come to acknowledge recently). I supported her through her second post-grad degree and the miscarriage – but this was purely in a practical way, rather than emotional support (seeing the pattern yet?).

It wasn’t quite enough though – despite our joint incomes we were about five years too late to get something affordable in the big city… the housing market in the UK in the last ten year has just been crazy-stupid and I certainly can’t blame that on May, but I still have a feeling of what if/if only… for example, if May had got a job too rather than letting the ill-fated PhD peter out – would this have made a difference? This is not something I’ve consciously considered until now, but I wonder if subconsciously it’s been unfairly festering. I think it chimes with something May said the other day about me holding our relationship to ransom over this “ideal” (quite materialistic one, which May doesn’t really share) of how my (our?) lives should pan out. It really isn’t helpful and needs to change – as I said I need to let go, accept it didn’t happen like the unrealistic grand plan/pipe-dream and appreciate and enjoy what I do have.

So, this brings us up to the start of this Nutsinmay blog. The RPL has been tough, no doubt, but as we were talking about it last night – I have managed to let go. That is easier for me I’m sure, not going through the physical symptoms – but it did lead to May feeling abandoned (again) for a while as I barreled along with the rest of life. We have since come to a better mutual understanding of where we are on this issue, but I think for a time while I was happy to give May the space to grieve I had sort of gone through that very quickly and therefore wasn’t an emotionally supportive as I could have been.

Where does this leave us/me? Well, I don’t think all of this can be sorted by counselling, but there are definitely head issues that need sorting as well as certain behavioural things. The account above shows that where I have failed to live up to reasonable expectations of both May and myself over the years. I’m not proud of it.

Over the years May has suggested and encouraged me to read quite a few self-help books, which I have to a greater or lesser extent tried – a couple even resonated and helped a little – probably giving her false hope. One ‘error’ I feel May possibly made is thinking that she could somehow change me. You can never change someone else, however, you need to engage with them in a way they understand so they realise and accept they need to change themselves. I think this may have finally been achieved.

Change – whatever that ends up being, I don’t know yet – will be slow, I’m sure, (and as I said at the top there are probably some things that will never change) but it has to start somewhere. I think it should start here and now.

May, I’m sorry it’s taken over fifteen years.

*in some ways, at least until the marriage self-destructs.

**not as idyllic as that sounds really, but that’s not my story.

OK, Fine, Let’s Talk About Feelings (H) April 12, 2012

I’m not very good at hints, but on looking rather stunned and crest-fallen after reading May’s last post I think her saying “you could always write a response” was just about unsubtle enough for me to pick up on.

I’m not sure what I’m going to say yet, so let’s see where this goes…

Sidling does fit well as a description of my behaviour, I think. Yes, definitely worse when I’m stressed, which as May generously points out is quite a lot recently. The new job is a lot more stressful than the previous (don’t worry I’ll spare you the boring details, suffice to say I inherited a pup of a project that turned out to have real expectations of delivery, but smoke and mirrors support and resources, and more skeletons than a ghost train), but then staying in the old job while the organisation wound down around me would also have been extremely stressful – so I was kind of stuffed either way on that one. At least I have a job for the next 18 months, albeit not an ideal one.

I’m also a mass of misery. I’m not sure what other feelings I have really, as I’m emotionally constipated (I’m in the process of signing up for counselling/psychotherapy). As May recounted I have admitted to feeling scared, so I guess that’s a start.

I tend to think in a fairly binary way and I also compartmentalise (arguably quite badly, see comments on previous post). I think of strong emotions as ‘bad’. There are family reasons behind this – as a child growing up I witnessed regularly and at close hand an aunt who was bi-polar going through the highs and lows (and being hospitalised at regular intervals as she reached the extreme ends of the spectrum). I also saw her seemingly recover and get a couple of good jobs and find some stability in her life, before she committed suicide.

This means, as has been pointed out, that it’s not that I don’t have emotions but I handle them badly. I try and squash them down – and this applies to the ‘good’ ones, such as joy, too. Something that annoys May and makes her sad, I think. It means it’s difficult for us to connect on an emotional level.

So, when someone approaches me with strong emotions my ingrained, automatic response is to either sidle or hunker down into ‘protective shell’ mode. This makes effective communication near impossible and also doesn’t really provide reassurance/support. I know this intellectually, but at the time what I may know plays very little part in my reactions. I panic. this the quickly deteriorates depending on what I’m faced with – getting defensive or silent/dumb or trying to escape. This is only exacerbated when it’s someone I care about. The fear of saying the wrong thing, as I have far too often, is increasingly paralysing.

None of this is ground-breaking stuff and I’m sorry for May, in particular, who will probably be disappointed that there’s nothing new or non-obvious.

I also realise that I haven’t really addressed the non-communication aspect, which did improve a bit (I think) after our previous therapy – but I agree has relapsed. In the interest of getting this posted before the weekend of family fuss, however, I shall save some stuff up for another post soon.

99 things September 7, 2011

99 Things I Have Or Have Not Done. May’s list from a while ago. I carefully quickly deleted her responses to avoid any possible cheating.

Bold is for “done”, italics is for “Would like to do.”

1. Started my own blog – well I tried but quickly ran out of inspiration of what to say; I may well try again, but it’s more likely to be work related.
2. Slept under the stars – not something I’d do again in this country, far too cold; I prefer star-gazing from a hot-tub, bur probably best not to fall asleep in that.
3. Played in a band – played in a windband.
4. Visited Hawaii – no and not near the top of my list either.
5. Watched a meteor shower – not had much luck though, only ever seen a handful of meteors.
6. Given more than I can afford to charity – I give to charity reasonably regularly, but not huge amounts at a time.
7. Been to Disneyland/world – no, just no.
8. Climbed a mountain – at least two – Snowdon and one in Austria; been on top of a mountain in Switzerland too, but admit I took the cable-car most of the way up.
9. Held a praying mantis – nope.
10. Sung a solo – I’m pretty sure I have.
11. Bungee jumped – no and not likely to neither; too much adrenaline makes me feel very sick.
12. Visited Paris – seem to have missed this one on a couple of occasions; would be nice, but not a high priority destination.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea – is it particularly spectacular?
14. Taught myself an art from scratch – photography, much improved over the last few years – finally went on a weekend course recently, which will hopefully give me a little improvement boost.
15. Adopted a child – it’s a possibility, but not something that I’d put down as a ‘like to do’ at the moment.
16. Had food poisoning – probably, I think some slightly undercooked chicken on a BBQ at uni, although far too much alcohol also taken that evening is equally likely to have contributed to the messy night.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty – nope, not been to the USA (and unlikely to) skimming down the list this may be slightly tedious; tempted to replace all the American destinations with a wider variety of world sites…
18. Grown my own vegetables – no garden and several year waiting list for allotments, so this isn’t going to happen in the near future; I would probably grow the more expensive and exotic veg, rather carrots and potatoes, oh and herbs, lots of herbs.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – so tempted to say yes to this to confuse people…
20. Slept on an overnight train – definitely want to take the Caledonian sleeper to/from Scotland, almost done it a few times, but needs far too much pre-planning to get tickets at a reasonable price; usually hire a car in the end and do visits to interesting places on the journey, which is also great fun.
21. Had a pillow fight – pretty sure I have (don’t have a great memory).
22. Hitchhiked – far too introverted for that sort of activity.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – hmmm, sometimes I may have exaggerated a touch but always been slightly ill.
24. Built a snow fort – far too busy sledging.
25. Held a lamb – only a roasted bit of one, I think they’re tastier like that; or prettier in the distance.
26. Gone skinny dipping – not since I was a kid mind.
27. Run a marathon – never likely to get to that distance, should really try for a 5K or something.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – I valued my family and internal organs too much to auction them off.
29. Seen a total eclipse – almost complete solar and complete lunar.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset – sunset far too easy, think this should be just sunrise; think I’ve done that once (not a morning person).
31. Hit a home run – why would I want to do that? what’s a home run ever done to deserve a beating?
32. Been on a cruise – Nordic fjords definitely calling, but being stuck on board with goodness knows who makes me hesitate wimp out; also requires lots of forward planning, not easy to do when TTC.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person – nope.
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors – how many generations back before they count as ancestors? I’ve been to the house one of my grandmother’s was born in. I have traced my paternal line back a few more generations to Shropshire area; keep meaning to do more research in local parish records there.
35. Seen an Amish community – nope.
36. Taught myself a new language – taught myself PHP to a prett fluent level, but had tuition for the more advanced level; considering dabbling in Ruby or Python.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied – not something one can predict as a future event; feel rather guilty leaving as a no though, as certainly living comfortably and not scraping by despite multi-year wage freezes, increased NI tax and now govt wanting to rob me of extra contributions. Materialistically I’ve always wanted to own property but just missed the bottom of the ladder by about two or three years when prices shot up in the 90s/00s. Such a first world issue.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person – only from a train window.
39. Gone rock climbing – see bungee jumping.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David – only the copy in the square.
41. Sung karaoke – I can sing, but never plucked up the courage (or found exactly the right amount of alcohol) to participate; main problem is I’m not confident enough that I can remember the whole melody of a song!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt – another nope.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – no, not had occasion to – not sure when one would? Certainly wouldn’t rule it out as a random act of generosity – intriguing concept.
44. Visited Africa – another continent unexplored; given that I burn to a crisp in UK, however, I’m not sure that would be the ideal continent for me.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight – not that I can remember.
46. Been transported in an ambulance – though only as an extra passenger along with May.
47. Had my portrait painted – don’t think so.
48. Gone deep sea fishing – no, not keen on being completely surrounded by water in anything smaller than a large ferry.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person – nope.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – why so many things in Paris? this one does actually interest me though.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling – no, aqua-phobic for being under water.
52. Kissed in the rain – that has a lot to answer for doesn’t it, May
53. Played in the mud – have a vague impression I was impossible to keep out of it as a toddler.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre – do they have them in the UK?
55. Been in a movie – no, only in a TV documentary (only for less than 10 seconds, was very envious at the time that the camera lingered on my brother for about 30 seconds).
56. Visited the Great Wall of China – it’s just a lot of old bricks isn’t it?
57. Started a business – as part of school business studies project; we created ‘pet’ rocks (pebbles) and other items (like nails) by affixing wobbly eyes and other adornments to them. In adult life I’m far to risk-averse, unless I come up with the next Facebook or retire to the outerwherevers to run a small shop.
58. Taken a martial arts class – never found the idea attractive really.
59. Visited Russia – would love to see the Moscow underground stations.
60. Served at a soup kitchen – something I keep meaning to do.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies – I think it would be slightly creepy if I had.
62. Gone whale watching – see deep sea fishing.
63. Got flowers for no reason – I assume this means procured flowers for no reason, rather than received?
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma – ashamed to say no, and now I’m on blood-pressure medication it makes it less likely.
65. Gone sky diving – see bungee jumping.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp – I visited the holocaust exhibition at the Imperial War Museum though.
67. Bounced a check – my work experience placement at school was in a local bank. One of my jobs was to go through the checks and pull out the ones the bank was going to bounce. Really awkward, as I knew one of the people I had to do that for (never let on though).
68. Flown in a helicopter – I’ve flown in a light aircraft, but not in a helicopter yet.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – not specifically, there are a few items from childhood still at my parents’, but not specifically toys.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial – I think this would be difficult, having not been to the US!
71. Eaten caviar – only the cheaper alternatives; meh.
72. Pieced a quilt – started but never completed.
73. Stood in Times Square – see US answers passim; very tempted to visit the shopping centre of this name in Sutton just so I could answer yes to confuse people.
74. Toured the Everglades – see above; Everglades in Bromley anyone?
75. Been fired from a job – I’ve been not given job that I had to apply for after contracting in the role for 18 months, I think that counts.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London – several times.
77. Broken a bone – my toe is the most dramatic I can manage though.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle – see adrenaline ‘allergy’ comments above.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person – damn, nowhere in UK with this name.
80. Published a book – unlikely, being a man of few words.
81. Visited the Vatican – I think I’d be too tempted to commit criminal damage.
82. Bought a brand new car – no, it’s first few miles the deprecation is enormous; I have hired a brand new car that only had 12 miles on the clock, it didn’t strike me as particularly special in any way. Why I have marked this as a future possibility is that if I’m ever in a situation needing a car again I’d probably get an electric one and that would more likely be bought/leased from brand new, just because I don’t think there’ll be a big second hand market for them for a decade or so yet.
83. Walked in Jerusalem – you mean the Jerusalem Passage in Islington? no, I didn’t think so.
84. Had my picture in the newspaper – only a regional title, but playing the bassoon in a wind group busking for charity as a teenager.
85. Read the entire Bible – not sure I want to pollute my mind that much.
86. Visited the White House – no, and there are so many to choose from.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – I’ve skinned and gutted a rabbit, but it was pre-caught/killed.
88. Had chickenpox – don’t remember it much, think I was about age 9.
89. Saved someone’s life – not directly that I’m aware of. I did feature, in a photographic sense, in a drug rehabilitation poster/leaflet, so maybe that helped someone in some way…
90. Sat on a jury – no, very annoyingly my jury summons went to an old address and I didn’t get it until after the response deadline.
91. Met someone famous – a few, nobody particularly glamorous though.
92. Joined a book club – as a student I belonged to a book club.
93. Lost a loved one – I remember the loss of two aunts, a cousin, a grandfather and a great-grandfather in my family and a grandmother in May’s. Most importantly though, Pikaia.
94. Had a baby – ngngngngngngng. It would, of course, be May having the baby, as I lack the right equipment.
95. Seen the Alamo in person – to give you a headcase probably not the one you’re thinking of though.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake – nope never been to US for the nth time!
97. Been involved in a law suit – no.
98. Owned a cell phone – is there anyone who hasn’t?
99. Been stung by a bee – yes, and found I was alergic! I was stung on the tip of my finger, but my whole arm swelled and had rash all over my chest. Annoyingly there is no predicting whether next time will be less or more severe. I carry an adrenaline jab around in the summer.

I tag you, if you didn’t do it previously when May did. You’ve read all the way down to here, haven’t you? You know you want to really.

Words August 31, 2011

Apologies for the long absence; to try and get me back into the swing I thought I’d do a meme. This one seemed appropriate, for I am a man of few words. It was only when I had nearly finished that May pointed out I forgot that had already done it in the comments to her original. Well that was 16 months ago! As it turns out some are different some are the same, who’d have thunk it?

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

Not as easy as you might think…

1. Yourself: battle-worn

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend [wife, actually]: brave

3. Your hair: receding

4. Your mother/stepmother: sensitive

5. Your dog: non-existent

6. Your favorite item: iPad

7. Your dream last night: foggy

8. Your favorite drink: G&T

9. Your dream car: electric

10. The room you are in: living

12. Your fear: loss

13. What you want to be in 10 years: father

14. Who you hung out with last night: May

15. What you’re not: certain

16. Muffin: ginger

17: One of your wish list items: Dexter

18: Time: evening

19. The last thing you did: ate

20. What you are wearing: shirt

21. Your favorite weather: mild

22. Your favorite book: Dilbert

23. The last thing you ate: lemony

24. Your life: transitionary

25. Your mood: tired

26. Your best friend(s): shy

27. What are you thinking about right now? bed

28. Your car: imaginary

29. What are you doing at the moment?: fretting

30. Your summer: tense

31. Your relationship status: stable

32. What is on your TV?: dust

33. What is the weather like?: autumnal

34. When is the last time you laughed?: forgotten

Sorrow (and thanks) December 15, 2010

May is curled up with hot-water bottle, hot drink and feeling stoned from the codeine between bouts of cramping. So update duties have been delegated to me.

We are sorry. To each other, to you all. We spent most of the morning just lying in bed next to each other not saying much – struck dumb I guess you could say – apart from tearfully apologising to each other. I think I feel worse about May’s pain and more sorry in a miscarriage situation, as I’m part of the cause somehow. May apologises, I think, because she feels broken and guilty.

Late morning we trooped round to the GPs to get painkiller prescription, ask how pointless doing a day three FSH would be (very) (but at least they did say for future reference they’re are happy to do it there and print/send the results to the Hospital in the Country, rather than May having to make the trip personally on the ‘I think I’m going anaemic and dizzy’ day). GP suggested that May had scans to confirm miscarriage (and mentioned something about ectopic possibilites – think we’ll put that to one side for now) before taking anything other than co-codamol.  Ooops, we already emailed The Professor’s clinic to say scans unnecessary… kept schtum and shuffled of to chemist.

First thing dispatches to The Professor’s clinic didn’t elicit a response until late afternoon. No, HCG wasn’t done(!); scans put off, but meeting to determine a ‘management plan’ organised for first week in Jan.

So, a big FUCKING SOD YOU to 2010 (is that grammatical? I don’t swear much), roll on 2011.

Lastly, but most importantly, thank you all so much for you kind words, support and anger at the universe in general.

Brought up by goats October 6, 2010

I was brought up by goats, if photos of my early childhood are to be believed. There were also some parents with hair down to their hips who worked their way through most of the community farms and communes of the south of England, before settling down on the rolling hills in the heart of Hardy country.

I went to local state schools and did pretty well academically (until A levels); was generally seen as a bright, sensitive, quiet child, with an artistic and musical bent. As I got older I became more shy and shunned the lime-light. I played a leading stage roll when I was about 10, but after that preferred doing backstage (I only badly stumbled my lines once, but it still haunts me). I’ve been accepted by some as an honourary girl (or possibly ‘lesbian trapped in a man’s body’); was far more likely to be quietly talking/playing with them than running around with boys (who were into football and boring things like that). This may all sound too good to be true for husband material. However, there are some bloke-ish characteristics I annoy May with.

So that’s a synopsis, but to get to the interesting stuff let’s rewind a bit… when dinosaurs roamed the planet [too far - Ed]… my parents married as I was starting to make my presence obvious. The family legend is that they worked in the veg garden in the morning, put the bread to rise and wandered over to the registry office for the necessaries, baked the bread, finished the gardening and then drove up to posh grand-parents in London without even bothering to change or dress up at any point. Unfortunately, said posh grand-parents had arranged a surprise grand wedding reception, so my parents had to be smuggled in through the basement, so they could go and smarten up.

This casual, laissez-faire attitude is one of the first of the traits I have inherited and think worthy of further discussion/confession (although, rest assured, I did make more of an effort for our wedding ). Generally it serves us well; I can be cool under pressure, take things as they come/go with the flow, etc. However, there seem to be a few downsides to this, mainly:

Appearing to not really care about things
I find it very difficult to maintain a concentrated interest/effort in things. This manifests itself in a couple of main ways:

1. Not following things through
   On the trivial level this means I’ll probably never get really good at hobbies, such as photography/music as I won’t put in the 10,000 hours in a constructive and useful way. On the less trivial end this leads to major relationship rows, as it doesn’t come naturally to me to ‘do my homework’ and think about my thoughts/feelings to be able to explain my odd or annoying behaviour to May.
2. Flattened affect
   I don’t ever/very rarely really get enthusiastic about things. For example, May loves Spring and will bask in the glory of buds, colours returning, sights and smells – talking with great energy and a spring in her step. I… don’t: “It’s Spring; it’s OK I suppose” “I like the colours of Autumn too”. I secretly admire May, but cannot muster similar feelings.

This also allies with an area Womb For Improvement asked specifically about – handling of miscarriage/bad news. I would like to think of myself as strong and supportive, although counselling and a few rows have snapped me out of this self-delusion. In reality it’s a *sigh*, *pause*, OK moving onwards… I’ll just put these strange emotional feelings that I don’t know how to handle or react to in this little box over here… Oh, yes May would probably like a hug… What can I do to fix something/anything… What laundry needs doing…?

Now, overall I think of this as my rational side – May hates me thinking this, as to her it consequently leads to me making/displaying some very irrational decisions/behaviours. For example May would ask me if I was upset after a miscarriage and I would quite calmly answer ‘not really’. Partly this is because I do/can not feel directly physically connected to the event – how could I by the very fact I wasn’t the one who was pregnant; the embryo was just a bunch of cells, not even a child – I didn’t see its face or feel its kick or corporeal presence. The other part is a lack of empathy and awareness of emotional responses.

My inability to properly recognise and deal with emotions is also probably another post (and it’s only relatively recently I’ve acknowledged them at all). But leaving that aside, I guess the let’s not get too bogged down in this, life happens, life goes on take that comes across as a ‘no use crying over spilt milk’ attitude that can (I now realise) seem at best slightly cold and uncaring, and at worst cruel and abandoning from an external perspective. I’m a sulker, rather than a wallower, so I will get taciturn (also unhelpful I’ve found out the hard way) and just try to keep myself occupied to work through the sulk and avoid the emotional distress… bit like goats really.

On topics September 28, 2010

I understand that you want to hear more from me, dear readers of May. I’m flattered and hope I can meet your high expectations and the standards that are usually found at this establishment.

Firstly, just to clarify – some of you are aware I did start another blog, that now stands idle. The purpose of that was mainly to provide somewhere I could point concerned colleagues and friends, who realised something was going on but were too polite to ask (or I was too embarrassed to tell them to their face). It was never anonymous, like this one, so I couldn’t link back here and was slightly constrained in what I could say. It served its purpose and may be revived at some point in the future; May’s generous offer to post here is more attractive at the moment as it allows for a dialogue, link between posts and some anonymity.

Now I guess that you’ve had enough of me twittering on about names; I am, however, slightly at a loss as to what you might want to hear from me next. Apparently the ‘male perspective’ is a rare thing in IF land. Now I’m not as emotionally intelligent or naturally empathic as May and I certainly lack her extensive wordsmithery skills and experience, but I’m up for giving it a go; hopefully it may even help me discover my thoughts and feelings too.

So, topic suggestions very welcome, nay begged for. The more the merrier and I’ll work my way through them.

Taming the naming of parenthood September 19, 2010

Thank you for all your comments on my last post regarding what children could/should/may call their parents. I promised a follow-up post with more discussion on my issues and our ideas for a possible solution, so here it is.

In summary the issue is two-fold:

1. May wants to be called ‘mummy’
2. I’m not so keen on being called ‘daddy’ (or the common variants)

The second point probably warrants some further exploration. There are three basic reasons why:

1. As mentioned previously, it feels strange to me as my up-bringing was first names all round.
2. Dad is a role not a name. I don’t think I’d objects to a being referred to by a third-party – teacher, friend of child, etc. – as ‘your dad’, as this is indeed what I would be to my kid. But it doesn’t follow that I would then want my offspring to use it to address me directly. I’m certainly not going to call them ‘child’ in the course of everyday conversation. Similarly I’m not called by my job title at work – I have a name, an identity.
3. I think there are unfortunate connotations associated with certain variants on ‘dad’; ‘sugar daddy’, ‘father’ (used by priesthood, who have tragically then gone on to do very unfatherly things), ‘who’s your daddy’, ‘daddy’ as slang for pimp, etc. Ever since I found out what sugar daddies were I have gone off the idea of ever being a ‘daddy’ – while I don’t have a moral objection if both adults involved are happy with the arrangement it’s not an arrangement I want to have in a relationship with my child.

Others may be completely happy separating these concepts and issues out, but it’s not the way I roll.

From the comments, variations on mum and dad are the most common, but some interesting ideas. Firstly, ‘mummy’ and ‘[H]‘ ( the [ ]‘s denoting replacement with real name) – this seems a fairly obvious compromise, but it’s not very neat and certainly leaves potentially embarrassing erroneous confusion about ‘step-daddying’. Secondly, ‘mummy [May]‘ and ‘daddy [H]‘ – this makes things more personal and retains the identity ameliorates the ‘role’, but I’m not too enthusiastic as it leaves the connotations and would probably be more complex for the child.

After doing a bit more research, it seems that this is becoming an increasing problem with the changing nature of families away from traditional nuclear to remarried (where there are kids from both sides of previous marriages and new couple wanting a single united name for parents – probably more of an issue if kids are younger) and same sex parenting. The general solution seems to be to find other names that are associated with mum and dad, for example those words in other languages. May is open to this idea, but it does leave open the question of which variant to go with:

• Mum & Dad (for reference)
• Nonny & Poppy (compromise seemingly used a lot in the USA – not too keen personally, before you panic May )
• Amil & Ata (Elvish)
• Imma & Abba (Hebrew)
• Ammi & Abu (Urdu)
• Mor & Far (Swedish)

This a just a select list of the ones I quite liked (except the first one) – Klingon was a little too tricky, I think – your ideas and suggestions would be welcome.

So no decision, yet – but then we haven’t decided any child names either yet

The other name game August 22, 2010

Having thoroughly considered children’s names, I then innocently said:

Of course, we also have to discuss what our children should call us…

This may seem a non-issue to many, but I was brought up to call my parents (and grand-parents) by their first names – I realise this is fairly unusual for biological parents, although interestingly step-parents often automatically fall into this category.

May’s instant reaction though was to tearfully respond:

I’m not going through this hell to not have someone call me ‘mummy’

Ah. It seems I was right there is a need to discuss, but (as usual) I hadn’t realised it would be an emotional issue.

There is a specific reason why this first name approach was adopted in my family. It dates back to when I was a babe, and my grandmother started calling my mother ‘mum’, as in ‘Mum, does H need his nappy changed?’ (! ). Understandably this rather freaked my mother out.

I don’t think that the parents calling us ‘mum’ weirdness is likely to be replicated in this generation. However, I actually quite like the first name thing and really feel awkward having to refer to my parents by some form of ‘mum’/'dad’. The only mild disadvantage has been that I’m so used to it I automatically refer to them by first names to friends and unless they know they won’t understand I mean one of my parents.

So, what are the options? Can a compromise be reached? Will our relationship survive? [stop being over melodramatic - ed]

It’s an issue that has caused some debate, concern, sanctimoniousness and downright scary advice:

1. It is essential that your child show respect for your role as a parent. If your child attempts to blur that parent-child relationship by calling you by your first name, put a stop to it. 2. A child usually has many friends, but usually only one or two parents at home. Parents need to demand respect for the important role they are playing in their child’s life. [my emphasis, but honestly... it really comes across as 'if they dare... slap 'em down'! ]

‘Disrespectfulness’ is often cited (in varying degrees of rationality), which I must confess I don’t really get (although in some cultures it might be, I guess) – kids can and will find ways to be disrespectful no matter what they call their parents.

I’m going to reserve the rest of my thoughts and feelings and our ideas/conclusions for a follow-up post [you're such a tease - ed] as I’d like to hear May’s readers’ opinions, experiences, anecdotes and wise words first.

The name game July 24, 2010

Hello, May has foolishly granted me author access on her blog. So, you may hear from me from time to time.

I’m starting off with a long list post. I found The Penguin Dictionary of First Names next to the loo the other evening and took it along to bed with me. I then proceeded to read out random suggestions of names I quite like, until May kindly hinted I quietly write down my favourites. May did the same the following day; we then bravely ‘marked’ each other’s lists:

• X – no way Jose*;
• ~ – maybe…;
• √ – actually, now you come to mention it…; and
• = – hey that’s on my list too

*This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t like the name, we may know people who already own the name or sometimes an annoying classmate/colleague beat us to it.

For your complete enjoyment here is the full list of the names in a table:

H’s names	May’s marks	May’s names	H’s marks
Abigail	~	Abraham (Bram)	~
Abiline	~	Adelaide	X
Aiden	X	Amos	X
Amaryllis	X	Anaïs	√
Araminta	X	Aphra	~
Aveline	X	Asa	X
Azaria	X	Astrid	~
Caitlin	=	Austen	~
Caleb	=	Barnabas	X
Christabel	~	Beatrice	~
Constantine	√	Blaise	X
Eaden	~	Blake	X
Emeline	X	Caitlin	=
Fidelma	~	Caleb	=
Gamaliel	X	Catriona	= (with a K)
Gennadi	X	Cecilia	√
Gregory	~	Cosimo	X
Guinevere	~	Cosmo	√
Holly	X	Dinah	X
Iagan	~	Dorothea	~
Isobel	=	Erasmus	~
Jocelyn	√	Ezra	~
Karolina	~	Finn	X
Katrina	~	Francesca	~
Katriona	= (with a C)	Fulke	X
Kelan	~	Grace	X
Madeleine	=	Imogen	~
Malvina	~	Inigo	X
Marjoleine	X	Ira	X
Meliora	X	Isambard	√
Melissa	X	Isaac/Izaak	~
Monique	~	Isobel	=
Morwenna	~	Isaiah	X
Nadia	=	Isolde	√
Nadine	√	Jerome	~
Nerina	√	Jonah	~
Nakita	~	Josephine	X
Penelope	X	Josiah	~
Perdita	X	Levi	X
Sabrina	=	Lily	√
Tabitha	=	Linnea	~
Tiernan	√	Madeleine	=
Willow	√	Martha	X
Yolanda	√	Maxine	X
		Miranda	~
		Nadia	=
		Nahum	X
		Noemi	√
		Ngaio	X
		Noam	X
		Phoebe	X
		Reuben	√
		Rose	~
		Sabrina	=
		Sappho	~
		Solveig	√
		Tabitha	=
		Thaddeus	X
		Thea	~
		Theo	~
		Tycho	X

So what have we learnt?

Like many other things from music to comedy we have overlapping, but not identical, tastes. I like longer names – having a multi-syllabic real name I really enjoy being able to shorten it when appropriate, e.g.  formal introductions full name, friends or people I like are allowed to use the short variant. [compartmentalisation much?]

We are rather snobbish when it comes to names – only a couple in the top ten lists (at the time of writing anyway).

I’m not keen on names starting with B or D [random], nor May on K or Mel… names.

Any kids of ours are probably going to have a dozen or so ‘middle’ names.

Finally, I must confess this isn’t really a result of renewed hope or optimism per se. Just something we did I thought interesting enough to share while I get used to the idea that we are not without hope and go on living and now blogging together.