Not enough tea in all the world

And why are you posting so infrequently, May?

Item – Work. I am still not back up to full-time hours, because I am still tired and weedy and prone to limping and getting all breathless and grumpy. It is so frustrating and miserifying I keep failing to notice that I am better, I am stronger, I can stand and walk citius, altius, fortius!

Item – And this week, I woke up on Monday with a splitting headache and sinuses bicycle-pumped full of rubber cement. I spent all yesterday at home feeling anxious and guilty (and headachey and ill). And then I spent today at home, knitting, and trying to talk myself out of feeling anxious and guilty (and headachey and ill). To my vast irritation, paracetamol doesn’t really work on the headache, but I can’t take NSAIDs because of the fragmin. (Oh, come now, May, you giant wuss, it’s not as if it’s a migraine. Yet).

Item – At the weekend, I went on an outing en famille in honour of my niece Minx’s birthday. Minx and her friends were fine. My mother and sister were… a little difficult to make plans with. And though they were very nice about it, they were clearly bewildered by the fact I did not want to walk back and forth and up and down and to and fro all day long. I was very tired (I have been sleeping so badly), and Mum was startled and concerned to see how very pale I was (it was Halloween. I don’t need no crummy make-up to do ghostly), and yet she was still surprised that I wanted quite a few sit-down breaks. Oh, for the love of…

Item – Ah, yes, the Sleeping Badly. I am the Queen of Insomnia at the moment. I. Do. Not. Sleep.

Item – Matters have not been helped by our landlord, who suddenly offering to raise the rent by holy-fucknuts percent. But, amusingly, not to do any of the numerous little repairs and restorations that the flat rather needs. We are very amused. For a few weeks there, we were also entertaining the jolly notion of a sudden desperate house-hunt over Christmas. H has been negotiating with The Law on his side, so things may be less drastic than that, in the end, now that I’ve already had the stress-induced apoplexy. Keeping in mind this all came on the heels of The Father’s Heart-Attack, The IVF, The Miscarriage, The Embolism, and The Threat of Redundancy.

Item – You know what? Fuck 2013. Fuck it exceedingly.

Item – I saw the NHS counsellor once, and she was very nice, and I am interested in seeing what happens next. She couldn’t see me the next week because reasons, but we have a regular Thursday thing scheduled starting this week. My only twitchery twitched because she wanted to refer me to her hospital’s miscarriage specialist (Which is all very well, but the NHS has so far done something between crap-all and fuck-dickery about my recurrent miscarriages beyond the mopping-up afterwards. They ran all the tests the NHS runs, and then fat-shamed me. It took private consultants to reveal the thrombophilia-despite-no-genetic-reason-for-it and the immune issues. I do not think there is anything this new NHS consultant can do even if he wanted to). There’s something about my current medical situation that is making people leap six feet in the air and run in four directions simultaneously trying to FIND THE ANSWER FIND THE ANSWER OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO WEIRD AND MUST BE MADE BETTER. It’s a very odd change from previous years’ ‘shit happens, you fatty McFatfat fatperson fatzilla. Eat lettuce only and keep trying’. I have cognitive dissonance. But I could do with people just calming their tits a minute and letting this be what it is: A shitstorm. All this constant THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER LET ME SOLVE YOU thing is uncomfortably denialist (it’s not a bad thing because we will solve it and solve it and then it won’t be bad so you can’t be sad because we will solve it!) and very uncomfortably victim-blamey (well, you just haven’t tried XYZ, have you? If you tried XYZ this wouldn’t’ve happened, would it? More fool you!) with a side-order of God-complex (I will save you, puny mortal! Here is my solution from on high! There! Now you are saved! I said now you are saved, damn it! Be saved by my Wisdom!).

Item – Two more weeks of fragmin injections. Then another ultrasound scan of my affected leg, and another visit to the haematologist, to discuss how matters stand, and if there’s any permanent damage and so on. And then, apart from the bastard son of a donkey’s rectum compression socks, the Saga Of Clotting will, let us all cross fingers, be over.

Item – I happened to go past the Riverside Clinic the other day. Our other embryo is frozen in there, waiting. I felt like Gerda seeing Kay trapped in the power of the Snow Queen, unable to rush in and thaw it back to rosy life with my tears. I wasn’t expecting to feel like that, but now that I do, how do I say no to a FET after Christmas? And how would I bear it if the Frosticle didn’t take, or worse, miscarried as well?

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20 responses to “Not enough tea in all the world

  • Mina

    I heartily agree to everything you said and suggested about your 2013, it needs to fuck itself. Off or not. Exceedingly in any case.
    Frosticle, dear one, you have no idea how many hopes and wishes and dreams are hanging from your little clump of cells… We are trying to support you with what we can, immaterial stuff like prayers, positive thoughts, voodoo incantations, finger pointing and/or fist shaking with optional foot stomping at various faces of deities, bargaining and trading, you name it, we do it. We try to conjure up good luck for you, little one. Because that is what you need.
    I totally get the appeal of a FET after the holiday. Hope everything is better with you, and the follow up stuff show it.

  • Betty M

    Sending landlord smiting wishes. And booze and chocolates. And decent telly. And generally any good things you fancy in small recompense for the intolerably shitty year you have been having.

  • Jo

    I am so glad to hear from you, and so sorry that things continue to spiral downward. Hoping the next few months fly by, and that we can get you knocked up again (for keeps) in January. Sending love and hugs and a giant fuck-you to the universe on your behalf.

  • Anonymous

    May, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I love you. I love your gallows humor, your creative profanity, and your dogged refusal to let the bastards get you down. I too am an RPLer and am cheering you on every step of the way from across the Atlantic. You are inspiring and wonderful and brave.

  • Anonymous

    Fuck 2013 indeed, it’s been a true shitstorm.

  • newtoivf

    What a totally shit year. Its definitely time 2013 fucked off

  • Melissa

    2013 should most definitely fuck the hell off. Immediately. And it should warn 2014 that it must be the best year ever or an army will rise up to smite it most heartily.

  • chickenpig

    What Melissa said. Take heed, 2014, we’ve got our eyes on you!

  • sheila

    I too was at riverside recently for non IVF reasons but thought of your fosticle as I walked by floor 1a…. Wishing the frosticle well for whenever the time comes. Big hugs.

  • persnickety

    Glad to see you back blogging, even if it is only to curse at 2013.

    On the sinus and headache thing- migraines and sinus headaches are on an equal footing. I have found in situations where the appropriate medication is not allowed or where it is illegal (thanks Japan) a nice warm wheatpack (or one those newfangled gel thingies) plunked over the eyes, nose and forehead does ease the pressure somewhat. not perfect- I always think i am scalding my eyeballs, but better than paracetemol alone. in moments of extreme dire need, a wet flannel does the same thing, but much less comfortably.

    make sure you have some celabratory drinks for the end of the fragmin-

  • Teuchter

    There are times when the universe needs a kick in the fanny. Holy fuck-nuts indeed.

  • Korechronicles

    Not enough words in all the world either. All I can say is I’m here and I’m listening and I’m waiting with you for the tide to turn. As it surely must.

  • QoB

    It’s true. People do want to feel like we can Make It All Better – that we can control the badness – and too often we don’t know how and even Make It Worse.

    I read this recently and it made total sense – may be helpful to share with anyone who’s dumping on you instead of being supportive (medical personnel or not) http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

  • Hairy Farmer Family (@Hairyfarmer)

    If I have 5 minutes to drink a drink in peace, then I often come to re-read your last few posts again. Sometimes to absorb a nuance I hadn’t appreciated first time around, but generally just because your writing is so compellingly readable. I hear your voice in your words – such wondrously GOOD words, that bite, stroke and charm – and your phraseology always slays me flat. With sorrow, with righteous vicarious anger, with frustration, and often with dark, oh-so-dark mirth. Because we are British and We Will Mock Terrible Things Happening To Us!
    *emotional pressure starts* Now, if your blog posts can enrich my day so very much indeed, and I know well I am not alone in my appreciation, THINK WHAT YOUR NOVELS WOULD DO FOR US. Go on, May. There is really almost nothing I wouldn’t do to get a book out of you. *emotional pressure ends*

  • Bachelor's Button

    May, what are your thoughts re the frosticle??? Will it be thawed in 2014? Thinking of you.

  • Cathy

    Hi May

    I’d like to think you haven’t posted because all is sunshine and kittens for you and H. I fear this isn’t the case so send kind thoughts instead.

    Cathy

  • sheila

    Miss hearing from you – hope you’re ok and that you get a chance to blog again soon.

  • Valery Valentina

    Thinking of you.
    And making more tea…

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