Beetroot hummus

Late at night, in bed, in the dark, I am having trouble sleeping. I actually went into town earlier, and came home so tired I can’t catch my breath, and my head is aching. I had a ‘flu jab on Friday, which probably is not helping.

H lies beside me, stroking my shoulder. ‘Did you drink enough water today?’ He asks.

‘Probably not.’

‘You need to look after yourself.’

‘I know,’ I mutter. And I start weeping. Silently at first, but soon I am shuddering with sobs and the tears are running into my ears.

‘Sweetheart,’ says H, ‘Oh, sweetheart…’

‘I used to enjoy looking after myself, though,’ I choke out, as H hands me tissues, ‘When it wasn’t just me I was looking after. All that eating well and drinking plenty… I even used to go to the organic place and get the beetroot hummus and falafels because it was the healthiest gluten-free option left, and I’d sit in the park and I’d enjoy it, because it was healthy and I was looking after 6AA.’ I start crying again. ‘I fucking hate beetroot.’

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26 responses to “Beetroot hummus

  • Lisette

    I can relate on every level! Thinking of you xx

  • Hairy Farmer Family (@Hairyfarmer)

    My bestest, biggest hug. You are so very, _very_ worth scrupulously looking after, at any and all stages of life. *pours water*

    (To my horror, I’m sure I have attempted to feed you beetroot before now. NO MORE BEETROOT! Bring on the chickpea!)

  • sheila

    Beet root sucks – I hate the stuff too. But not as much as I hate what you’re going through right now. Big hugs.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    Oh, Sugar. You are very worth taking care of, on your own merits. Think of your fans and how we’d suffer! But also, what a bucket of shit all this shit is. Xoxoxo

  • Twangy

    Head on pillow, dear May. Also, what the others have said, take care of yourself. Please?

    And universe, let May sleep tonight. Or I will have no choice but to take up the dark arts, or something.

  • Dr Spouse

    Oh sweetheart… I would have eaten your beetroot…

  • Valery Valentina

    It *is* , um, no, **feels** so much better to take care of your pregnant self. Even though I like beetroot.

    Did your headache clear a bit with the crying? or with nice cups of tea?
    (am glad tears came when H was there. And not say when getting the jab)

  • Melissa

    Universe, how can you not see fit to grant this poor souls deepest wish? If she was willing to eat beetroot, what would she NOT do for a baby??

  • Mina

    Oh, hun! I am so very sorry you are going through this fucking shit! I am so sorry 6AA is no longer with you. Beetroot hummus sounds not very enticing. And from now on you should eat healthy stuff that you at least like, if not even love. Regardless of the occupancy status of cute ute. I do know how hard it is to take care of oneself when grief is so overwhelming, but you must. Nothing gets better if you don’t take care of yourself. Hugs, sweetie!

  • Belle

    I am so sorry, May. Would it help if I told you a silly story about beetroot? Not even a little? Well, I don’t know what else to do, so I suppose I’ll just leave the tale here anyway.

    When I was a student in London (living two blocks from your current employer) (Don’t ask why I know this. The internet is a dark and mysterious place. I do so miss [redacted neighborhood].), my American university hired a bus and took us on a tour of Christmas displays, then to a party at a pub south of the river.

    I was ravenously hungry, so when the server offered me a pickle and cheese sandwich, I held my metaphorical nose and said, “Yes, please!” Imagine my surprise when the ‘pickle’ was actually pickled beetroot. We pickle cucumbers in my part of the world, perhaps the occasional carrot. But beetroot? Never.

    Apparently, the look on my face was priceless. Thank heavens there were no digital cameras and social networking at the time or my expression of baffled disdain would have been broadcast to the far corners of the globe. As it stands, I never see anyone who was there that night that they don’t ask me if I’d like a pickle sandwich.

    *end scene*

  • newtoivf

    Big hugs xxx

  • Jo

    I second (fifteenth?) what everyone else has said: you ARE worth taking care of. Though it is so much easier, and enjoyable, when someone else benefits, isn’t it? Sending much love and hugs.

  • korechronicles

    When I’ve been in the pits of outer darkness and could care less about anything let alone me, I set myself a single ‘care’ task for the day. Some days I managed it do just that one thing for myself, sometimes I did not. But gradually I was able to do that one thing consistently and then add another. None of which,I might add, involved beetroot. There’s no easy way out, dear May, and I’m so,so, sorry. Hugs and much love.

  • waterbelle44

    Thinking of you, and feeling so angry that you have to go through this.

  • Anonymous

    Glad to hear that you are thawing and hopefully healing. And I am glad to see from your twitterfeed that you are initiating the process to find a counselor too! I had to interview a couple before I found the right fit for me, and that didn’t include the ones who had no openings. I hope this process goes smoothly for you. Good wishes to you and H….

  • Blanche

    I think I’m very happy to not have been exposed to beetroot hummus. It sounds just as dreadful as what you have been through in the past while. In fact just for that I’ll say I fucking hate beetroot hummus right along with you.

  • chickenpig

    Nothing in this world could make me eat beetroot hummus.

    It has been almost 2 years for me, and I still don’t give a shit about what I eat. Without a baby on board I feel like I might as well enjoy myself. Not that everything I eat is garbage or anything…I just don’t want to make any extra effort. I wish that the road out of the heartache was an easier one for you.

  • Melissa

    I don’t know if you do these kinds of things, but I’ve nominated you for the sunshine award on my blog. You’ve been through complete hell but you always manage to make your readers laugh. Check out my blog if you are interested. *hugs*

  • Alex

    I’m probably missing something here in relation to the beetroot thing, but I can totally relate to how you said you used to enjoy looking after yourself. I used to feel the same way – now I just feel frustrated and sad all the time :( Meanwhile everyone under the sun that I know or who works with my husband has had multiple babies and we’re still sitting here going, what about us???

  • sheila

    Thinking of you today and hope you’re getting the chance to light a candle….

  • Anonymous

    sending hugs, and many of them xxx daisy

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