As for physically…

The problem with an infertility/RPL blog, in which no one is in active treatment, and all we’re doing is desultory timed sex followed by rage and ick as The Period turns up, also anxst and wailing, is that it’s not the most fascinating read in the universe. Where’s the narrative arc? Where are the engaging new characters at the doctor’s office, the dramatic tension, the crossed fingers, the do-or-die all-or-nothing flinging oneself at medications and surgical procedures, the did-it-work, the will-it-stick?

I feel I ought to apologise for just circling this stake at the end of my tether for, oh, months now. Since the surgery in November which was so amazingly pointless.

Me, I am losing weight very slowly – partly because I caught this dreary cold and I kept the (really quite startlingly painful) sore throat at bay by a steady diet of tea and ice-cream for several days, and partly because it’s the luteal phase and I ALWAYS gain up to five pounds during my luteal phase and I ALWAYS lose it again during the first three days of The Period (not least because I can’t eat a damn thing). However, I am losing weight. And hope to be able to call Miss Consultant and get myself on the NHS IVF waiting list again by the end of May. Fingers crossed. Positive endearing grin and thumbs-up gesture.

It helps if I remind myself I’m losing weight to meet silly arbitrary NHS rules, rather than because I need to be thin or I’m Not Worthy. I remind myself of this three or four times a day, at length, and then chant my favourite little mantra: ‘All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well’ several times.

This kinda gets blown out of the water when I read/hear/see anything about women noticeably larger than I am getting pregnant, especially if they have several children easily, or, equally, if they had no trouble getting reproductive medical assistance. Not because I grudge these women their children or their good doctors at all – like I said, weight is not and should not be a Human Worth Issue. But because, if they can, why can’t I? Why?

At least I have the moral satisfaction of knowing that endometriosis and adenomyosis are nothing whatsoever to do with one’s weight, and are just as likely in thin women. As are blood-clotting disorders and auto-immune issues. So there, to those who insist that all I need to do is lose this arbitrary smidgeon of weight. So. There.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will bloody buggering be well, Goddamnit.

Anyway.

I’ve spent the past two days (four if you count the somewhat miserable weekend) at home, because this stupid cold came with a stupid low-grade fever and a stupid persistant cough and my boss is immuno-compromised and has a tendency to shriek and send people home again if they come anywhere NEAR her with a cold. It’s given me time to sit about doing absolutely nothing, and of course that gave me a chance to have a good panic about missing so much work again (The Period is due on Sunday, therefore I’ll probably miss the first two days of work next week as well, not least because I think my boss’s reaction to collapsing and vomit will be even less equanimous). And suddenly, mid-anxst, it occurred to me that I’d be actually not that bloody bothered if I lost my job. I mean, it’d be a pain, and difficult to find a new one, but really? I could finally sort out the books and the paperwork and work on my novel and finish my poetry project and keep the house a bit cleaner and cook more often and finish H’s winter pullover (the one on teeny needles, as H doesn’t like bulky sweaters) sometime before Christmas 2014. Gosh. Mellowness. On that subject at least.

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8 responses to “As for physically…

  • The Sheila

    I don’t buy the whole weight thing because the figure they’ve chosen is so aribtrary – is someone who is at 29.9 really that much more likely to get pregnant than someone at 30.1? I have the same BMI as you and went through 3 private IVFs at around that level. I got pregnant on the last round when I was at my heaviest. Ironically it was the first time I threw everything at the blood clotting and auto immune issues. Go figure.

  • a

    Now I have a picture of you wandering the yard like my dog used to do, when I had to put her out on a stake. And then the neighbor kid with issues would go and let her off the stake. Fortunately, I was not required to kill him, because he let her off at the stake end (rather than the collar end), so she didn’t know she was loose and didn’t run away. That kid was something else.

    See? That’s why you write stuff – provoking reactions. You are far more than your reproductive issues, madam.

    As far as a job goes, I think that the perfect ratio of benefits to annoyances is about 3:2. For instance, at my job, I have a good salary, good health insurance, and a decent amount of flexibility in my time. But I also have evil coworkers and very annoying management. When the ratio is out of whack…well, it’s probably time for a new job.

  • Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse

    Whether or not something is a fascinating read has not only to do with the subject matter but also in how the story’s told – and although you say that the narrative arc is lacking, I can assure you that the story-telling more than makes up for it! (And I’m not sure I agree with that first part anyway – desultory sex and angst and wailing make for an excellent story-line.)

  • thalia

    As I think you know, may. the weight target is arbitrary re IVF, there is no evidence that being thinner increases the chance of IVF success. It does, however, reduce PCOS symptoms so can help overall ( which of course you know) and really helps reduce risks of pregnancy, incl. pre-eclampsia, premature labour, incompetent cervix, pPROM etc. On that basis, although it is super painful, it at least has some knock on benefits.

  • Korechronicles

    Good for you on for even entering the Arbitrary Hoop Jumping event, let alone completing it. Ridiculous, I agree, but whatever it takes, no? As for the work situation, there is always emigration to the colonies. My boss would snap you up in a heartbeat. And you could teach me how to knit socks on teeny tiny needles. After my Patience 10.1 software package is successfully installed.

  • manapan

    The arbitrary weight limit they’ve set over there really bothers me. I’m huge, HUGE mind you, and I got the Ultimate Prize out of sheer luck — I was young, I responded to illicit Clomid, and I don’t have any of the other issues you have to face. You are more than worthy. You are downright deserving.

    I dreamed recently that I entered a fertility clinic’s contest. I was trying to win a gift card to a store, but ended up winning a discounted IVF cycle instead. I read a lot of blogs, but dream-me couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather gift the cycle to than you. Awake-me agrees. If only contests like that existed!

  • Dr Spouse

    I was under the impression that the main *genuine* issue with weight and IVF was anaesthetic tolerance (and the cutoff for that is considerably larger than most people).

    I think you should tell your boss you were waiting till your cold got better, next time you are very slightly late.

  • persnickety

    A bit late to the party (and a bit rusty on the comments making habit). You do need to be careful in the constant circling roung the stake, and the denial of whatever food is not good this week. Happiness, or at least contentedness should also be there, and it is so easy to let that go in the constant “will this work tangle?”

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