Daily Archives: February 21, 2011

Despond

Item – I’m doing this as ‘items’ again because, to be honest, Narrative Arc is utterly beyond me.

Item – I went back to the GP on Friday morning, and she impressed me by a) remembering who I was despite having only seen me once before, b) being utterly unfazed by my bursting into tears, and c) taking the whole Pain! Horrible Pain! thing seriously. I now have a box of Voltarol (diclofenac) suppositories. Try tossing them cookies! Hah! (If the Voltarol the Embarrassing Way doesn’t help with the puking (but she hopes it will, as the puking is a physical response to the pain), she can give me other medications. My liver is starting to feel like an ongoing medical experiment). And we had a little chat about other treatments, options, referrals, ultrasound embolization of fibroids, MRIs, mirena, and the fact I’m already 35 (36 in May) and I just don’t have time for all this fucking about. Also, we touched on the colossal and unkind irony that dictates that one of the best possible things I could do for my poor borked uterus right now is grow a full-term baby in it. We agreed this was all very unfair and ridiculous and she passed me a tissue.

Item – I was out and about over the weekend, spending time with my sister Trouble (this was very very astonishingly nice. We had a lovely afternoon. We really enjoyed each other’s company. I award Trouble a Gold Star for Coolth), and going to a concert with a friend on Sunday. (This was also very very nice, but not astonishing, as I was expecting it to be). So I now feel a lot more chirpy and a lot less like John Hurt in Alien.

Item – I did have a good hard cry on Sunday morning, with melodramatic flailing, all the same.

Item – H has kindly cleared the latest series of pregnancy tests off the bathroom windowsill. I keep feeling a pointless longing to get them back and look at the faint, faint, almost-not-there-at-all lines again. I still have a positive pregnancy test from Pikaia. I still have the one I photographed for you all from Eurydice. I feel, weirdly, I’ve been unfair to all the other ones because I didn’t keep the traces of their utterly brief existances.

Item – I am feeling exceedingly lost.


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