Item – Are you guys sick of ‘item’ posts yet? Tough.
Item – Still using H’s computer while H watches the F1 Grand Prix preliminaries and eats dried banana chips next door. (Dried banana chips! What human on the planet willingly eats dried banana chips? Apart from H. And you, whoever you are, reading this. You’re all weird).
Item – We take the laptop to the Lap-Top Doctor this afternoon. Please Universe this’ll be quick and non-stressy. Not good at stress this week.
Item – British Elections – So, the Conservatives got in with such a tiny majority it’s still a minority, and we all get to run around unGoverned for a few more days while Clegg tried to work out whether sucking up to Cameron (hypocritical smooth bastard, had been sneering at Lib Dems for entire campaign), sucking up to Brown (wounded Grizzly), or maintaining firm and independent jut of jaw would be the least catastrophic for his party’s electibility next time round. I very much hope he tells Cameron to stuff it sideways up his own right nostril. But then, I’m left wing. Your mileage may vary.
Item – If that made no sense to you, then welcome to the British Electoral System. No, really, you’re welcome to it.
Item – However, any Americans attempting to be patronising about our quaint little ways will be sarcasmed limb from limb. I’ve had a face-full of this in Real Life and I am done with it. I will mention Florida. I will mention Newt Gingrich and his inability to understand the words ‘ United States of America Birth Certificate’. You have been warned.
Item – But let us leave the divisive and unpleasant topic of politics [what? you brought it up, May] and return to the wonders of my uterus and ovary.
Item – I ovulated on Monday. Day 20. I aten’t dead! She sayeth among the trumpets, ha ha!
Item – It has just occurred to me that my period is now due to start Sunday week. Hello, dear people who are coming to lunch next Sunday, I am so glad it’s you and I won’t have to think of a good explanation for why I am looping-the-loop on codeine or locked in the bathroom peering obsessively at little wee-stained sticks. In fact, thank God you lot are giving me something else to think about. Do you like aubergines?
Item – I note, with wry astonishment, that I now no longer think of pregnancy as an impossible, unobtainable, fantasy. It just means a slightly longer wait before I get to start in on the codeine.
Item – Christ, that last item was cynical and bleak, wasn’t it?
Item – I am not in the best head-space right now. The fact that I always, religiously, give up coffee in the 2 week wait is NOT HELPING.