Slough of despond, now with improved wallow

I want to apologise to my fellow infertility bloggers who are currently pregnant, and on whose blogs I haven’t left a single measly comment for ages.

I’m sorry.

It’s not that I’m not happy for you. I am, I really am, so very, very happy. And I still check up on you regularly, and come away smiling from cute, hopeful, joyful posts. I smile all day. I tell H, So-and-So had ultrasound pictures! Such-and-such had a funny story about morning sickness! Isn’t it great?

I just can’t talk to you. Well, yes, obviously a part of it is being sea-green with jealousy and wishing I could happily join in with my own anecdotes and blurred, shadowy, unintelligible and perfectly beautiful pictures. The jealousy is something I can get past, however. I have been known to. I am quite grown-up sometimes.

It’s that there’s nothing for me to relate to in your posts any more. I mean, I was sick too, I even have a cute story about nearly hurling on a friend, and therefore having to tell him I was pregnant to stop him flinging me into a taxi and rushing me home while scrubbing himself down with disinfectant hand-gel. And the cute anecdote ends with an ultrasound image too, but of a dead, deflating gestational sac surrounding no heart-beat. I know this story has no place in your comments. It’s a horrible cross between a piece doom-mongering bitchery and emotional blackmail. But I have no other story to tell yet.

I could just limit myself to saying ‘lovely! Excellent! Good luck!’ and running away again. That would be the mature, kind, thing to do. Do you want to see that week after week? Would that work? It’d stop me feeling like a wart, at least.

Oh, the self-pity I am wallowing in tonight. Revolting, isn’t it? *Pulls self together, and goes off to brush teeth*

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13 responses to “Slough of despond, now with improved wallow

  • Kristi

    I wish I could tell you that your story will have a lovely, happy ending, but I don’t know that. What I do know, what shines through in your writing, is that even in your darkest days, you know that you are loved by some very special people.

    I’m raising a glass to your future and whatever it holds.

  • LJ

    I totally understand. I just left a post about how when I was going through it all I couldn’t bear to comment (or in many cases read). It’s a fucked up process, all of it. Wallow all you need.

  • Nina

    Honey, don’t beat yourself up. I know. I read you almost every day, and I can tell you care about all of us, but you just can’t deal right now. I know that feeling. That feeling is the reason I missed out on 8 weeks of my nephew’s life last year. My SIL and I were due within a week of each other. I couldn’t see him. I just wasn’t ready, and neither are you. I wouldn’t trade him for anything, and I love him dearly, I just couldn’t see him for awhile. Come back when you’re ready. We’ll all be here. {{{many Hugs}}}

  • g

    Ah, screw mature mate.

    Do what you need to do. If it helps, my blog comes with extra helpings of Gastro, anyway :)

    g

  • Womb For Improvement

    I lived in Slough for a while, you have my upmost sympathy is you are struggling to get out. And as for the post-infertiles I am sure they ‘get it’ more than anyone.

  • Minawolf

    Sometimes, being mature is too damn hard.

  • Secret D

    Slough really is a god awful place. Let’s hope that you get out soon.

    I also continue to follow ‘pregnancy after infertility’ blogs and I don’t tend to comment but it is good to catch up with how they are doing. Don’t beat yourself up, you are allowed to wallow.

  • Secret D

    I was meant to add that I have nominated you for an award. I had a quick look to see whether you had already received it. Apologies if you.

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    I know how hard it is to read up on others who seem to have ‘moved on’, and I know how hard it is (surprisingly so) to write about moving when people you shared parallels with are stilling hurting.

    I come back here, and other places, and hope that every single post I read will bring the best news.

    Guilt is a bugger.

    Stay well.

  • Betty M

    You do what you have to. I used to have a visual of the Slough of Despond on my wall at work. It gave me a macabre sense of contentment in my misery.

  • meganlisbeth

    wallowing is often good for the soul. have no guilt about what you can and cannot handle, miss may. i felt the same way for a while. then i when i *was* pregnant, i had to steer clear of pregnant bloggers who were having complications as i couldn’t handle it enough to even offer my support and love. you do what YOU need to do for YOU not what you think other bloggers need you to do. xoxo

  • Solnushka

    It’s entirely reasonable. No one would hold it against you. And I stay away a bit because I don’t think you should be forced to be mature and I know you are a better woman than I am and you would be. Yhinking about you often though.

  • thalia

    everyone understands. It’s just a horrible place to be.

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