Daily Archives: February 23, 2009

Ambivalence, I haz it.

So, you weren’t sure how on earth I was feeling on being given an appointment, an actual appointment, with the IVF clinic. To be honest, neither was I. Gob-smacked will do for now. I thought we wouldn’t reach the top of the list until September at the earliest.

But I can’t be all delighted about it. I simply can’t. I’m not done here yet.

As I was saying to my brand new infertility and loss counsellor this evening, I got pregnant on nothing but Clomid once before. The sperm works, the tube works, the lining works, all we need is an egg, and if we can get an egg and bang like a barn door in a twister, we will get pregnant again. Won’t we? I’ve only ovulated three times since Pikaia, so statistically it was Not Likely even if two of said ovulations hadn’t been very very late and therefore probably a bit manky. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

As for my body’s current rejection of all things Clomid, well, I was only on 50 mg an evening, and I hear of women taking 100, 150, mg routinely. I may very simply need a larger dose. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

And then, if Clomid really doesn’t work for me any more, there’s Femara. That induces ovulation in PCOS women, doesn’t it? And it doesn’t thin the uterine lining like Clomid can. Though I have heard Femara works less well on fatter women, so my arse might get in the way. In any case, don’t we get to try it that way?

And then, there’s the tube. I know I said it worked. Well, it worked for Pikaia. I don’t know if it works any more, what with That Infection. If it is Comprehensively Buggered, as the HSG lady likes to insist, they’ll probably want to remove it before doing IVF in case it is leaking Evil Fluids of Unspeakable Embryonic Doom back into the uterine cavity. Apparantly buggered fallopian tubes do this, the little bastards. If they do take the tube, it’s IVF or nothing. No hope of a Whoopsie Hello Miracle Baby. No hope of the Surprise! I didn’t downregulate! ultrasound. No making the child of our hearts in the first bed we bought together. And I’m going to have to process losing that chance, however miniscule it ever was going to have been.

And I feel all this giving up and moving on has been forced on me, by bureaucracy, by Miss Consultant’s lackadaisical attitude to her patients’ requests for advice, by this cycle being so stupid and long and doomed. And I am stubborn. I do not give up and move on easily. I will damn well master this level before I go on to the next.

And I do so want a real chance at conceiving our child in our bed. Even if it doesn’t work, I so very much want to have had that chance.


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