Tomorrow morning early, I am going to the Early Pregnancy Unit for another scan, to see if Pikaia has grown (good) or not (bad) or even has a heart-beat (please please please). And to see where the bleeding is coming from, with any luck (still bleeding, albeit a great deal less. Not happy about this, just in case anyone had any doubts on the matter).
I am so scared.
H’s grandmother called this evening, just about as delighted as can be, and of course she has told all her friends and relations within seconds of finding out herself. She found out from H’s parents. I am rather wishing I’d thought to tell H to tell his parents to NOT tell grandparents until we had a heart-beat. H’s family have been through a lot of tragedies the past few years, and the thought of adding more pain just tears at my heart.
I had been fairly chirpy all day – ooh, ooh, and also queasy! – but that phone-call has forcibly reminded me of the stakes. So, scared.
Obviously, I thought no one would be able to be confident in a pregnancy like this one (I’ve been bleeding for over a week now. Hurrah! So fun! So reassuring!). But apparantly, some people are confident in it. I told the friend I had gone to the theatre with – I had to, I nearly threw up on his shoes – and he was very humorous on the subject of my becoming public property and his no longer having first dibs on the spare room. Ah ha ha. Even after I pointed out the whole thing was absolutely terrifying and what about all the repeat visits to scan-land lined up for me. Err, no, I didn’t discuss the way I was bleeding at that very second. Do you think I should have, or would it have ruined what was left to ruin of the day for everyone? My Mum sent me a pair of pyjamas for my birthday, with a note apologising for this being my present considering that they wouldn’t fit me for much longer. Of course, if they do fit me for ever so much longer, I will hate the sodding things for fitting.
How can people have such faith anything good is going to come out of this? How can they be so sure Pikaia is still in there? I’m not sure Pikaia is still in there. I am nauseous, my breasts have not only expanded but become firmer and boingier (H confirms this, and was quite impressed), there’s the positive, nay, POSITIVE pee-sticks, I suddenly don’t like chocolate very much (this is so unlike me I am bloody furious about it), and yet I know, I KNOW this all means absolutely nothing at all. Just because I am full of progesterone and HCG doesn’t mean I am also full of live embryo.